Hello @shyuan
How are you? I stumbled on your blog today and this post got my attention. I am still an undergraduate and may not fully understand what you are going through. I plan to my PhD too but that will be a long time from now.
It's seems we both have something in common. Writing. It seems hard to me too. But you should not blame yourself though I don't know who is to blame. I hope you didn't give up. I wish you all the best in your endeavours. Take care.