What being a Professional Cuddler has taught me about consent

About two months ago I decided to learn more about a service I believe is as profound and beneficial as it is quirky and progressive.

I heard about Professional Cuddling several years ago but recently started researching it because:

A) I'm very curious about embodied healing practices such as yoga, acupuncture and somatic therapy.
B) After quitting my full time job (more on that in a later post) I was looking for a way to make some extra cash.

I have attended cuddle parties and consent-based touch workshops in the past and enjoyed the experience of platonic, intimate touch, so it felt natural to explore the professional potential there.

I'm still new to the business, but what I've learned on a personal development level so far has been extremely impactful, especially as it regards consent and self-image. Here are two of the big lessons learned so far:

I decide my own value
The cuddle service platform I use, like many others, allows Cuddlers to set their price-per-hour. How much am I worth spooning with for an hour or two? What a weird and difficult question. Attempting to answer it surfaced a lot of guilt and self-doubt. Why should I charge anyone between $70 and $100 per hour for something I and many others receive for free? Is setting my price "high" an indicator of an overinflated ego? Do I think I can set a higher price because male cuddlers might find me attractive? If I set my price lower than what I think I'm worth will I make more money? Is it ethical to "sell" intimacy? I'm still struggling with some of these questions but my working conclusion is: Professional Cuddling is a therapeutic service just like massage or acupressure. The individuals who hire a cuddler are making that choice of their own free will because they assign a monetary value to that service. I set my price at what I think I'm worth, and it is up to clients to determine whether that price point is worth it to them. I don't have to feel bad for or take care of potential clients (and reflect that in my pricing) because they are grown-ass adults who can decide what they want to do with their own money.

I don't have to respond to everyone who inquires
This was a big one for me in the area of consent and choice. I've received around 40 inquiries since registering with a particular cuddle service platform I use, but only responded to about 10 individuals. I decided in advance I would only respond to full introductions (i.e. "Hi my name is X, I'm interested in hiring you because X, here is my experience with professional cuddling etc.). Any messages that fell short of these standards, especially the brief "u up?" type inquiries were promptly deleted. But what surprised me was I felt a little bad about that. It sounds crazy but deleting a message that didn't meet my standards felt like a rejection. A rejection of this stranger whom I had absolutely no obligation to and whom I would likely never hear from again. I realized how deeply imbedded these notions of expectation and obligation were with me...especially when it came to inquiries of a professional or intimate nature. Didn't I owe them a response? The answer I had to teach myself was: No. No I don't owe anyone a response, even if they reallllly like me or reallllly want to talk to me. I can decide who I give access to my time, my attention and my body and I don't have to justify those decisions to anyone.

One of my favorite lines from the brilliant Tina Fey's sitcom The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt is made during a scene where Matt Lauer interviews a woman abducted and held captive for years in an underground bunker (the show is a comedy although yikes that is dark). The woman was kidnapped after following a restaurant patron to his van because she didn't want to be rude. Lauer responds "I’m always amazed at what women will do because they’re afraid of being rude.”

I'm betting I'll have more to learn and share on this topic in the near future, but for now my big takeway is this: Don't be afraid of being rude.