When I Quit Weed

When I was forced to quit using cannabis, I ended up hospitalized twice in a six week period. I had my very first mental health hospitalization as an adult; my previous experiences were during adolescence when my suicidal ideation first began.

I got to spend a week in a mental hospital, which wasn't terrible but gave me horrible paranoia about being locked up. I dreamed about the mental hospital for weeks afterward. They put me there because I had a meltdown of epic proportions and while I was melting down I talked about the suicidal thoughts that have haunted me since I was a teen. I don't think I'd ever act on these thoughts but my brain is always coming up with ways to kill me, and I think about it a lot, every bridge I drive over I think about jumping off, every time I go near water my brain tells me to drown myself, if I climb a tree my brain would very much like for me to jump out of it and break my neck.

Anyway I told the doctor about this at the Emergency Room and they locked me up in a facility. I spent the week showering repeatedly and reading books. I tried to participate in groups but I am not a group person and i have a real bad habit of telling people exactly what I think even if its not polite. In the past I have tried to be in groups and I just end up yelling at people because they are so stupid and petty. (I may have written about this before, my habit of getting kicked out of groups for antisocial behavior.) I can't help it. I have a low bullshit tolerance.

The second time I was hospitalized during that six weeks was not mental health related. I had a migraine for three days, the kind that makes you dry heave repeatedly. After dealing with this for three days my husband finally said "Dammit Rose, we're going to the hospital, you can't be like this." So I went, and he had to keep pulling over so I could vomit. At the ER they gave me a massive cocktail of IV drugs which helped within the first twenty or thirty minutes but they kept me there for hours to ensure everything was okay.

When I use medical marijuana, my suicidal ideation is much less, and my meltdowns are few and far between. (I am autistic and meltdowns are sometimes part of what I deal with.) It also completely takes away my migraines and headaches. I have a diagnosis of intractible migraines and CDH (chronic daily headache.)

In August my doctor sent a letter to the probation officer stating that I do much better when I have access to medical marijuana. The PO sent the letter to the judge and the judge wrote an order saying that I can use MMJ on probation and I don't have to drug test since this is the only substance I use. (It would be useless for them to test me for other substances since I have no history with them, including alcohol.)

The first week back on weed after six weeks off was not as fun as you might think. I only had access to Gorilla Glue #4 which is my rescue med, I only usually use this strain when I am having a panic attack. It was jut really strong and not the weed I needed but I dealt with it until I could get some other stuff. I am accustomed to smoking cheap shitty weed, so going off for six weeks and then blasting my brain with 27% THC was not the best idea.

Now i have access to six different strains and I can use it appropriately. Medical Cannabis is a very important part of my recovery plan and I am really grateful that my doctor and the judge agreed.