Rejecting Mainstream Parenting
Years ago I found myself bragging to a fellow bus stop mama about how I was so "good" at disciplining my daughter and how my daughter was so "good" at obeying because of it.
Unfortunately, discipline and obedience were at the nucleus of our mother-daughter relationship and I was stupidly so proud of it.
What I didn’t brag about at the bus stop was the ongoing battle, the perpetual guilt, and the missing connection. I saw my daughter in emotional pain from our day-to-day interactions yet I assured her that our issues hurt me "more" than it hurt her. It didn't take much for me to lose my marbles over the "principle" of things, she lied to me often, and the worst bit: she began confessing that she sometimes felt like running away.
The last bit. Ouch.
I've escaped my mom many times.
I attempted to run away to “neverland” time after time until my mom had a lock installed on my bedroom window and then hid the keys. Eventually, I resorted to walking right out the front door. Further down the line, I picked up a two-year heroin habit to escape my reality in a different way.
Finally, over 4 years ago, I escaped her one last time by moving away with my daughter in a teal 70s motor home. These days, I have over a decade heroin free and a very broken relationship with my mom. Still, how the hell did I become the control freak I vowed as a child to never become?
Our crisis only served to make me vulnerable to all the mainstream parenting "techniques" and "strategies." Be consistent. Rules. Consequences. Children are not our equals. Gold stars. You can’t be your child’s friend. Time-out. Don’t show signs of weakness. You will be taken advantage of. Behavior charts. Discipline. Structure. Control. Control. Control. I didn’t sign up to be a dog child trainer. I signed up to be a mama, dammit!
I discovered that most of the parenting books and articles on the market are geared towards behavior, training, put the needs of parents before the needs of children and I couldn't help but feel that all that material missed the underlying reasons of creating another human being.
I wanted SO bad to be that nurturing, understanding, peaceful mom (that I had also craved as a child) but I just couldn’t seem to find her when my daughter needed her the most.
Where was she when she came home from an 8 hour school day and said she learned nothing? What DO you do there all day?!
Where was she when we were leaving to the grocery store and she was still in her PJs with what appears to be a rat's nest hairdo? You can't leave the house looking like that or everyone's going to think I’m a bad mom!
Where was she when homework, reading, and showering were still not done 30 minutes before bedtime? skfmgsfngkmsfklgskflgmsldkfgmlfkmd!!
I knew deep down in my heart that our day-to-day interactions didn't have to be this way. I just had no idea why it was all such a struggle. So I began to do what my child was already doing and I began to question all my beliefs surrounding parenting. What I came to learn were a few harsh realities about my (former) parenting philosophy:
Formed from conditioned beliefs
Oppressed nearly all basic human rights of my children
Prioritized needs of society and sometimes even my own needs
Went against my intuition
Carried the baggage from my own childhood
Maybe my child really didn’t learn anything at school all day. Why was it her fault? Why am I interrogating her? Common core is common crap in my opinion anyways.
Maybe my child should be able to dress however she wants because it's her body. Why should I censor her form of expression? Do I really care what anyone thinks about how we dress?
Maybe forced homework, reading and showering isn’t a battle we needed to have in the first place. Why should I convey the pressures of the "higher ups?" What is the value of the worksheets? How will she feel about reading as an adult if she is forced to as a child?
In all my soul searching, I came to the realization that it’s 2017 and children are the most oppressed people on the planet. The veil was lifted. The 490580394853 changes that followed in our household were natural and necessary to spare my children the injustices and transform into the peaceful family we are today.
Unschooling, peaceful parenting, children's rights, baby-led breastfeeding, attachment parenting, intactivism, co-sleeping, and intuition are all terms that have deep meaning in my heart today because these philosophies honor my child’s most important needs.
We no longer encounter rebellion because there’s no need for it. My daughter is free to do what she wants and she impresses me every day with the good choices she makes for herself. We no longer encounter dishonesty because there’s no need for it. My daughter knows she can tell me anything and that authority is no longer waiting to rear it's ugly head. Most importantly, she no longer wants to run away. She's happy the battle is over because I’m done operating out of fear, guilt, and control. I surrender. I realize surrendering goes against the established order of parenting in our culture but I'm writing this to declare that it's dandy. You can reject mainstream parenting and everything will be ok. Screw what other people think. That's not important. What's important is to maintain a deep connection with our children.
So much healing has taken place since we've rejected the outside pressures to parent authoritatively. My "proof" is in the peace, trust, harmony and happiness that are now at the nucleus of our relationship. I find myself treading these "forbidden" waters against the practice of mainstream parenting to do what I believe is right: to unapologetically uphold my children’s rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.
Happy Trails,
Ann
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I loooove this post!
Couldn't agree more! We have been letting our children be, it's hard in the beginning but the more we do it the more we realise how capable they are. By unschooling our selves our children have blossomed and continue to teach us how to live in the moment.
What you are doing for your child is amazing and will have a positive effect on our planet.
Upvoted, Followed and resteemed!
Im glad you could find our journey relateable:)
The comments I have woken up to this morning have touched my heart. I was expecting one-comment robots but it seems like minded people have found us today. Thank you for sharing my post!
It was definitely hard in the begining, there’s so many layers! It was so worth it because our daughter is so happy now and the connection is stronger than it ever was when we parented by the order of society.
It’s so funny and true what you say about unschooling ourselves, it’s definitely not just the kids in the family who are learning more freely and deeply than ever before 😊
This is beautiful. I feel like I am still unschooling myself. My babies are fresh at 9 months and with twins, I feel pretty overwhelmed. Sometimes I let the hecticness get to me and I find my temper short. I have to remind myself that they are NINE months old! Learning, growing, experiencing. I am teaching myself just to take a deep breath and let the small stuff go. I want my kids to be safe (not play with electrical cables) but I also don't want them to lose the will to explore because I am constantly shouting "No". Thanks for this great reminder, especially that it's never to late to change ourselves. -Aimee
It never is too late to change ourselves and honestly all that matters is that we try our best & challenge ourselves to do operate in a peaceful way ~ especially when so many of “us” weren’t raised in peaceful households is what I’m coming to find out from the peaceful parenting groups on Facebook. We’re about two years “into” peaceful parenting/rejecting separation and I still don’t know how to handle everything that comes our way but communication usually saves the day if Im struggling :) I think (for me) I came to the conclusion that my flighty urge to restrict my daughter when she was a toddler by shouting “no!” actually really meant “wow this is really making me nervous” or “im overwhelmed by what’s happening” or “that is a terror bow idea” or whatever along those lines when I got down to the root of it. My kids have taught me so much about myself and what it means to view them as the beautiful, equal human beings they are along the way <3
I think 9 month twins would feel overwhelming at times too! Don’t beat yourself up. It definitely makes things much more peaceful to put up/block off the dangerous things but honestly I go around picking up dangerous sh** all day because we fulltime RV with limited space. Though even the other day our daughter who’s nearly 10 scared me when she was slightly electrocuted when she decided to plug in the ipad while we were over at grandma & grandpas because they happen live in the original house built on a homestead which has ancient wiring. She was ok but it was a scary lesson learned nonetheless. So glad we could cross paths! I browsed your blog and Im excited to go back and read
Those are really good points. When I raise my voice I should be asking myself why and how am I feeling in this moment. I sure hope you continue writing about parenting. I haven't looked for much on peaceful or attached parenting here on Steemit but I really should.
So how many of you are living in the RV? We were living in a tiny house (200sq ft. Plus lofts) up until about a month and a half ago. We thought the tiny house would be plenty with one baby but our twins took us by surprise and we outgrew the house faster than we expected (or wanted). Battling the ever changing living room space, with a soggy foot mat, crawling babies, and winter keeping us trapped indoors just became too much. We have moved in with my parents temporarily while we plan to build a "bigger" small house and establish a homestead. After all it takes a village, right?
Thanks for the follow, we hope you enjoy the articles! I am glad we crossed paths too. -Aimee
I can’t tell you how nice it is to connect with like-minded / like-journeying people, wherever found! It's a pleasure Aimee:) I wasn’t sure if or how long it would take on Steemit before having real conversations with anyone because it's a little bit discouraging to see all the one-sentence bot comments.
I think that’s awesome that you’re flexible and making sacrifices to achieve your collective dream ~ do whats best ❤ Im really happy that you aren’t giving up and you’re finding another way to make it work. I know that some of the best choices we made for our family weren’t always clear or easy in our tiny living choices, especially in Washington with the mold issue of the camper at the time. I really didn’t want to move into an expensive apartment as alternative housing but with the housing laws it wasn’t possible or legal for a family of 4 to rent a kitchenette or even a one bedroom, and our choices were even more limited by having a large breed dog. So we were thankful to get into the first astronomically priced place we could and kept our head above water there as long as we had to and now we’re back into tiny life but better this time around. So, hey, kudos to you guys for also going back to "do it" better! It’s 4 of us in our 30' 5th wheel now along with a cat, dog, and a guinea pig (who lives outside until it becomes cold at night we bring her inside.) It's mostly wood flooring and has a 14' slideout and is DRY ~ mold-free! :) All we need is a patch of land to move it onto now or trade in our vehicles for a truck to move it onto a communal living type of situation that we also dream of. Yes it takes a village!
I was surprised how quickly I was able to connect with like-minded individuals too! Truthfully, I was on F-book a lot, mostly in moms groups, and Matt kept encouraging me to try Steemit. I didn't take long to transition over. There is so much good content here on Steemit and the community is incredibly supportive.
We always shake our heads at the bureaucracy surrounding housing. We've modified our own plans because of it too. Between inflation and taxes, more people than not seem to be having a hard time keeping their heads above water - us included. When we were renting we could never seem to save enough money to buy property or a house. I don't think we're overly frivolous with our spending either. Wages aren't keeping up with inflation or taxes so it's no wonder more people are downsizing. Of course, instead of recognizing this issue and working towards rectifying it the government just imposes more laws that restrict people from living within their means. I always used to hear the saying the rich get richer, and the poor get poorer when I was in school, but now I feel like I am living it. That said, we are determined to get our homestead operational so we can grow our own food, be self reliant, and drastically reduce our money worries.
I am so glad to hear you are living in a comfortable and mold free home now! I don't know how you do it with a large dog inside though. I think it's funny that your tiniest animal ended up outside! Ha ha! I wish you the best in finding the perfect property. -Aimee
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I remember the injustice of being a child very clearly. It is an awful way to start life as a human on earth, and it makes sense that our adults are so cruel and irrational given their formative experiences! my son is 18 months old and we have a good heart connection. Sometimes i have to bring him in out of the snow against his will because his fingers are cold, but my heart aches! I know he thinks he is Jeremiah Johnson and i am ruining his fun....
I am glad you are in tune enough to make changes towards reality. Part of my recovery process has been learning which parts of me are my parents that i don't need anymore. Keep growing! It never stops...
Your comment has touched my heart @wildlocusthoney My childhood was particularly painful too and I also haven’t forgotten how it felt when those days were my reality. Literally the biggest point I have come to as far as my dark days was to shed light on the fact that I am now a mom myself and I have a chance at a deep connection with my kids if I choose. Deciding not to perpetuate history is huge, materializing it is even bigger.
I understand the scenario of bringing them in when the weather is bad, but that’s not so much a battle against his free-will as it is you looking out for your child. Yes let’s always keep growing! <3
God, I can't tell you how much I love this post! I'm 19, I was unschooled myself, for the better part of high school and I know what a huge difference it makes for a child, for her life and the relationship with her parents.
I really believe you made the best choice a parent can possibly make, choosing your relationship with your kid, rather than some idiotic values imposed by this stupid society :) I'm so glad your daughter is healthy and happy.
You know, so many people talk about child depression and pain, but not many think that there's this simple, amazing alternative that a lot of them are just too afraid to take.
I believe traditional schooling is behind a lot of pain in today's kids. And I really think a lot of that could be prevented.
You seem amazing <3
You seem like a kindred spirit @honeydue I’m glad we could cross paths & find common ground. It’s not often that I get to hear from other unschooled people besides my little tribe so this is a treat. What did you love most about it? My daughter says her favorite part is that she gets to be herself again, which speaks so much to me.
I wish and encourage more families to stop and choose the path of connection! I wish my mom would have chosen another path besides yelling at, grounding and hitting me for my inability to function in school much less do it well however I think without the hurt child inside me it may not have been possible to identify the hurt child my daughter once was when I parented by “the idiotic values imposed by this stupid society” (I love how you put that! lol) so at least it happened for a reason. 💜
You rock!
Hmm I think the thing I loved most about it was that I got to spend more time with my family and that I got to be in charge of what I learned. I got to read/watch/learn all sorts of really awesome things that I wouldn't normally have gotten to do.
I think it's really cool that you did this. Honestly, I'm a bit worried how my own kids will turn out (when they do!), because obviously I want to unschool them from the get go, but you never know how things turn out, do ya?
<3 Glad to have met you too.
It’s a gift to be able to realize/dive into your interests. I think that’s why talents are called gifts ~ not everyone gets to do what they’re naturally good at or interested in though it’s typically temporary. I often wonder what could have happened for me in terms of a “career” if I had been allowed to pursue my individual interests from the beginning because I am now 28 and barely realizing my own passion in life (fiber stuff obviously 😊) because my daughter is only 9 and is so very aware of her love for singing, animals, sewing, DIY & all things “goth”/vampire/zombie that Im going to be incredibly surprised if she doesn’t become a professional creative one day. But who knows, she could just become a creative mama like myself and that would be so great too. You’re very wise ~ We never know what the future brings!
I believe our experiences growing up with the parenting we have is often subconsciously repeated when we ourselves start parenting. After all, it's the only lesson we've had on raising children. Then as they start to develop as little people we suddenly start seeing some of the results of that parenting style. That is when we suddenly wonder if we're taking the right approach.
I was always a firm parent, but I also always treated them as people and encouraged them, as much as possible, to try and fail for themselves. However, looking back I was trying to raise them right, to the standards of the system. It wasn't until my eldest was almost 10 that things came to a head and I took them out of school. I thought I had a fairly good relationship with them up until then, but we became a lot closer after that. That was when I finally stopped trying to guide them along the expected path and they started finding their own paths.
Yes of course we tend to parent how we were parented, that's why I truly feel like a veil was lifted when I realized we had a terrible and disconnected way of operating. I felt like I was constantly conveying the stress and expectations of some faceless higher up until we said "screw this, we can do better, it's time to let go" one day and became closer to our children too. It's never too late to become close to our children, right? <3
I love this quote and figured you may as well ~ "A gardener does not grow flowers, they give them what they need to grow."
My favorite post this week from another steemian
Is a beautifully written post about a mother who recognized her destructive parenting habits and decided to make a change to improve her relationship with her daughter. She talks about why mainstream parenting is harmful to families and how peaceful parenting not only nurtures children but encourages them to make good decisions and explore their own potential. Best of all, @yourbrainonrugs is new to Steemit but fits in so well that I had no idea that this was her second only post. I'd love to see her get some extra love! <3
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Whatever terms you came to worked for the best. I can’t honestly believe you would have a terribly rebellious daughter. I do believe that parenting is rather organic, you just have to tweet the ph levels a bit. 🐓🐓