RE: Peaceful Parenting: How to Handle a "Tantrum" (the Single Most Important Question Parents Must Ask Themselves)
Excellent post. Thank you Graham. We shifted to peaceful parenting years ago after finally breaking away from the way my wife and I were raised and (for me) getting out from under the religious mindset which justified violence against children as "discipline." This is a very touchy subject, and I'm really glad you're bringing it up. We still struggle a lot with our son (he's now 7). He can be so difficult with us and our two girls. It can be so, so, challenging to remain calm when he (at times) appears to have zero empathy or even rational understanding of the consequences of his actions. I logically know his brain isn't fully developed (especially the parts which drive empathy), but emotionally, I still find myself getting frustrated. I'll be referring to this post often. :)
Thanks, Luke. You are not alone man. My wife and I had quite a few intense arguments (an understatement, perhaps) and shouting matches throughout my son's infancy and toddlerhood, and sometimes I see the tantrums as a result of that pent up fear and frustration. Sometimes it seems like it might be totally unrelated. I don't mean to say that you and your partner also fit this description, just that in my case it is pertinent. I have found that when I am really at the end of my patience, the key is not so much accepting my son, but accepting myself and the fact that I am extremely stressed and disturbed for some reason. An individual truly at peace could be standing in the midst of 20,000 screaming "Tantrum-ites" and still be able to handle things with compassion. When I can fully accept myself, even if for a brief and fleeting moment, I have found those moments are when I can calm my son down (even if what he is doing seems senseless or is violent) because he finally feels my love coming through, and he feels my love for myself. None of us are perfect, man. Jeeze, I am struggling nearly every singe day wondering if I am a good enough father. But. You know what? If you have made the choice, and keep making that choice even--and especially even--after failures and setbacks, to be a peaceful parent, I feel that that is all that matters. Glad to know people like yourself and your wife are out there, giving it an honest go alongside me.