I know a little about that myself. I grew up very very poor, always in bad neighborhoods, lots of gang violence, divorced parents, no child support because my father was badly disabled. Lots of abuse in the home. Moved around a lot to find more affordable housing and work for my mom. I went to 13 different schools before I dropped out in the 9th grade.

It's amazing just how much your circumstances influence every facet of your being. I was always a very sweet kid, had a strong sense of empathy, I'd cry anytime I saw someone else cry, I was always worried that the people around me were unhappy. But having grown up the way I did, I just sort of became a part of my environment. I started drinking when I was 12, smoking and doing drugs at 14, car hopping (stealing stereos, EQs, speakers, and whatever else we could get out of cars) by 15, started selling drugs and getting mixed up in gang problems.

Though I never joined any gangs, it's just that most everyone in my neighborhood was, so I just sort of fell in. I didn't wear colors and I got along well with everyone, so if I was hanging with some Kings or some Crips and people would ask if I was too, everyone would just say, nah, he's down though. So I managed to stay out of most of the really bad stuff. When some Crips or Kings I didn't know would come up to me to and ask what I was I'd just say "You know Eli over in X-neighborhood?" or "You know Albert over in Y-neighborhood", and that usually kept meout of the worst of it, so, that's pretty much how you survived where I grew up. Of course, sometimes you can't avoid it. When you're with your boys, you know how it goes. If you don't fight, or even worse, if you run. That's it. Your rep is gone forever and you're open game from then on.

That kind of life shapes you into what you have to be, even if it isn't who you are. Today I'm a grown man and I live my life the best I can just like evryone else. But I've had my nose broken eight times and it shows, my eyebrows split so many times that it shows too, I have tatoos on my hand, you can't cover any of that up in a job interview or when you meet someone new. no matter how far you get away from that life there are always traces of it that you can't hide.

I was bitter and angry about so many things that were out of my control with my life, my family, my school, the police, etc. That followed me into my early adult life, but then, as I got older and started seeing things differently, started really looking inwards, I started becoming more like my authentic self. I always cared about other people, even just random people on the street. I noticed if they were upset or hurting or happy and I cared. That was me, that was who I always was, even when I was angry and trying to make myself look hard so no one would mess with me. Underneath all of that, I cared. It was a freeing time as accepted myself for who I really was. I was lucky enough to get out of those neighborhoods and I made good friends and became more and more who I wanted to be, who I really was. I don't have hate in my heart for anyone. It bothers me when people half a world away don't have food or access to clean water or medicine. It makes me happy when I see a complete stranger enjoying their life. I'm different, different from being the person who I never really was.

But, like I said, the scars never go away. No matter what, I still catch myself being on guard, expecting the worst, always looking to see where the back door is, sizing people up. There are some things that just don't fade away because you've become the better person you were meant to be, and it shows. I see the looks on people's faces sometimes when they see me. Some people are just astute that way, they can see the remnants in your eyes and in the way you walk or how you look over your shoulder. And, of course they can see the evidence of the violence that I was involved in, even though I never went looking for trouble or started anything I still look just like the people who did.

Adopting a philosophy of consciously trying to be the best person you can be sets you free in so many ways, and I'm grateful that it's just part of my nature. But no matter how hard you try, how many good things you do, there are always remnants. That's one of the hardest things to accept. But it can also be a great motivator to be even better. When people see the surface of you and they get nervous, or scared, or guarded, or even straight up on the ready. You want to put them at ease, you care that their heart is racing, that they're worried for their family, that the harsh realities of the world, the possibility that something awful might be about to happen to them is on their mind, stealing their peace and feeling of well being and even ruining the rest of their day. You don't want that, you don't want to be that cause of other people's hardship. So you try harder. You work on yourself more. The more I reflect on who I've become the more it dawns on me that I don't think that I would be as concerned with the comfort and happiness of other people if I hadn't lived the life that I have. Just because I wouldn't have had to, it wouldn't have been necessary to be so aware of how I affect other people because I never would've developed those characteristics that cause other people to be uncomfortable.

Sorry for the wall of text. I just thought that this perspective might be informative to some people in a way that they wouldn't otherwise be likely to hear from someone. So, if you're reading this, just keep in mind that people really do care. That even people with a harshness on the surface probably do care. That's something I've come to understand over the years, most people really do care.