Parents : about them, me (maybe you)

I hate my dad once.
when everyone talk about him. so i started to hate him too.
i once think that my family was the best family in the world. and it's ended when my dad got sick, then we found he had stomach tumour.
a few month later he gone in peace.
my mom's side family seems more religious than my dad. they trying to figure that my dad had religion in his id card but never go pray.
and i realize it too, he rarely pray to God at home. but it doesn't matter with me when i still young and don't understand how bad it is in other eyes.

after my dad gone with peace, my mom change become more religious. she felt guilty cause she think she's a bad wife because she never got mad to dad cause his abstainess of pray to God.

i used to dream of my dad once. i saw him still laying on hospital bed and his room full of flower bouquet. after that dream i try myself to be more religious too. i tried to get more closer to God. even i feel sometimes i feel full of sins whenever i did some bad things like curse at people. when i failed in my work interview i pray to God, and when i passed the interview i thank to God.

a few years later, i found a man. a chinese christian man. we're just colleagues at that time. and i don't have plan to get a new partner/new relationship at that time. cause all i need just earn money and job.

now, he's my husband. i change become an
agnostic (maybe i will convert to atheist in a few years).
my mom still busy with his religious things.
i don't know why or when i started to feel can't relate with her religion.
all i know just..why she really want me so bad to be a good religious human just to make sure a guarantee for her heaven?
so we plan to have child to save us from hell?
🙃🙃🙃

having a child.
is that a way to save you from hell?
or is that a way to make your life getting better?
or is that a way to make sure you have offspring?
or is that a way to make your parents happy to see their child reproduction is healthy and can give them grandchild?
are we live only to make others happy?
or can they try to understand, every people have different happiness each other?
or maybe i am the wrong one cause i can't relate to we have to make our parents happy cause they raise us well..
maybe i am the selfish one.
yeah, sometimes i realize it. sometimes i forgot.

*pardon my english, i'm still earning 🙃😊