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Today I had a nice post planned about my day at the range - A couple of funny things happened today and I thought I'd relate them for you...But then I visited my dad.
My dad lives in a nursing home and suffers from dementia which affects his memory quite severely. He has other issues of course, it's inevitable at his age, although it's the dementia that seems to affect him the most.
I've said it before, that I don't enjoy visiting him but I do it each week and take whatever comes on those days. Until recently he has had good and bad days, I mean days in which he is alert or less alert however these days there's no good days; Not really.
I stayed for 30 minutes today and at no time did he recall, or know, who I was. I was a complete stranger to him.
I sat there beside him awkwardly, listened to the same few phrases he tends to repeat these days, garbled memories from better days, and came away feeling pretty uninspired, quite sad and pretty angry. That's why I didn't post about what happened at the range today - I just wasn't in the mood at the time preferring to come home, lock myself away in my workshop and mess around pretending to do something productive.
That was a few hours ago now and I'm starting to feel better, less angry. I wasn't really angry at anyone in particular, just the situation I suppose.
Thinking about my dad now, the fact he is unaware who I am, or was today at least, makes me very sad. I guess because I have the memories of him still, memories he is unable to recall or speak about...It also cuts deeply that I no longer have the ability to tell him things and get a conversation in return. He is a stranger, a very unresponsive stranger.
Still, he is well cared-for, not in pain, eats a nutritionally balanced diet, is safe and seems to enjoy the interactions they promote at the nursing home: Games, singing, music and such things. I should be glad that this is the case, and I am. I just wish I had a dad still, because sometimes it would be good to be the son again, to hear a few words of praise and encouragement and have a joke with my dad; Pipe dreams of course these days, it will never happen.
I'm sorry this is such a poor post, but it helps me to process my thoughts to tap out a few words here and send them out into the interwebs...It sort of coalesces them into one ball of stuff and then sort of casts it away. Something like that anyway.
I'm glad my dad is safe and cared for, that he never had to go through the agony my mother did before she succumbed to cancer...But at the same time I hate that he has lost his memory and faculties...It's like he isn't my dad anymore and there's not really a substitute for one's dad I suppose.
The only positive I guess I can take is the fact that seeing him like this, knowing it could happen to me in the future, makes me want to live a better life now. It makes me want to be the best version of myself that I can be and to value those around me and to show them that I value them. I guess that's the best I can hope for from a situation like this.
I hope y'all have a good weekend, and this post ist't too depressing for you. I'll be working around the house tomorrow, mainly organising and reorganising some things inside and in my workshop. I'll not be as sad tomorrow, I promise.
Tomorrow isn't promised - Design and create your ideal life, don't live it by default
An original post written by a human
Discord: galenkp#9209 🇦🇺
Hey, @galenkp.
I've got a few thoughts, but nothing of true substance or meaning I think. It's tough to put any of that into words really. I guess, I'd rather just be empathetic. My mom, as I believe you know, was having some of those same issues you describe mentally. Hers didn't last as long, and I wasn't really fully aware of it until about four months before her death, so the period of time I experienced isn't the same.
But, I echo very much the same sentiments. It would have been nice to have my Mom "back" for at least a few moments, rather than the lost-in-time, often befuddled version that I saw.
My consolation is, she didn't seem to be in much pain, and maybe not being able to reason or think as clearly (at least on the outside), was a blessing to her, since she was quite capable of worrying, and the last thing I think she needed was the added stress of wondering (without being able to do anything about it) what was going to become of my Dad.
And that's another difference in my case. My Dad now has to face the remainder of his days without his wife. He's not likely to remarry at his age (or even go looking), which I'm okay with. It just means that my sisters and I need to be paying a little more attention to him than what we've been used to doing up until now because he and mom had each other and as fully functional adults, they didn't need to be "looked in on" beyond the normal (whatever that might be) day to day checking family should and want to do.
Thanks for sharing. Even these types of situations are what give life purpose and meaning. It takes the not so good to truly appreciate the good that is in our lives, and the better one unfolding before us that we can help and hope to create for ourselves and those around us.
There's many issues around this situation that the family need to consider or address as you have mentioned. Then there's the personal feelings and emotions - A tough situation all around I think. I guess the good part is that the person suffering (if not in pain) is blissfully unaware. My dad is anyway. He is apathetic on pretty much everything.
He's eating well at the moment and when he doesn't a whole raft of other things will kick into play but for now he is happy (I think) and safe. It's all we can ask for.
Thanks for your comments. I know it may be a little raw for you considering your recent; loss. Thank you.
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:< stuff like this is pretty hard to watch and maybe harder still knowing that could be us one day while hoping like hell there's a fix well before we get to that point.
Hope writing it out let you process and made you feel a bit better :)
Yes, at almost 50 it's something I occasionally think about, but of course don't dwell on. (My own future I mean.) It's difficult to watch it in my dad though yes. Writing helps sometimes, but I rarely open up about it - I'm surprised I did yesterday to be honest. Anyway, all good now, after a day of chores at home...Back on track.
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I feel your pain dude. It was similar for me last year and it is tough to go through.
It's good to vent here. Anyway, have a good day, cut something with that bloody knife that will help :0)
Many go through it, you included it seems. Bloody terrible. I watched the same happen with my grandma (mum's mum) and again with my dad's mum...it'll be me one day I guess, possibly.
Venting here, just writing the words, feels better. It's probably an overshare scenario and to be honest I'm not one to open up too much with this sort of thing but it helps for sure.
...Now, what to cut, what to cut! Lol.
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Yeah it's tough, I think many can relate to losing someone close, even though they are physically still around.
As bengy suggests, some old photos or music could spark something, and perhaps a chat with the fam would be of help to you today too.
I have boxes of photos from the old days and love going through them. It sort of rekindles the memories. Unfortunately my dad is, well he's sort of gone mate. Still, despite that he is still my dad and I will remember him the way he was. I guess part of the sadness for me is that fact that I'm also getting on a bit, 50 in early March, and sort of feel my mortality a little more than when I was 25. I wonder if that will be me one day, but I know it won't...I'm not going into one of those places. I've got other plans.
It's always hard to go see dad, I know what I'm going to get I suppose...But I go.
Losing someone who is still around is a terrible thing, I don't just mean in the respect of dementia. It could be a broken relationship, marriage, son or daughter friend. It eats at a person...[Sigh]. Life is tough sometimes, but it is all we have...Best to live it the best we can, value those we value (including ourselves) and lament the loss when it happens, but look to the future. Something like that anyway.
Thanks for your message...Here have some of these...
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Fair enough, I wasn't sure how far a long. It's a sad one but try not to let it eat away and and take your advice on living your best life.
Thanks for the tokens, who knows what the future holds for us all :)
Week by week with dad. That's all we can do.
Yes, it's a bit topsy turvy at the moment here. I'm just going about business as usual though; It'll sort itself out one way or another.
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I'm sorry about the situation.
Here's a microscopic bit similar but mostly totally different story:
My mom's father had Alzheimers. At one point he didn't recognise my mom at all.
His third(?) wife wouldn't let my mom and her brother go see him, had them left out from his inheritence thing (not that he had anything to leave to people anyway) and just generally was a bitch. If I remember correctly, my mom's father has been dead for a while now and there was some drama between his second and third wife at the funeral too.
I had seen him only like once or twice in my life. We mostly hung out with my father's parents. It was weird,
likebeing told a complete stranger was your grandpa.So many people have similar stories and there's many worse off than I am; That's often why I don't open up about stuff because there's always someone worse off. Situations like yours can be tough and can tend to linger, changing a person...Not you, but others maybe. I wonder if his third wife lived to regret he decision to bar your mum and uncle access to their father. I hope so.
Thanks for responding. I had thought no one would due to the depressing nature of the post...But people have and that makes me smile.
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Ugh. So hard. I saw similar things with my grandfather, but I was in my twenties and wrapped up in my own life. So there was some distance there between me and the situation that took the sting away. Plus, watching a parent suffer is so much worse.
I am so sorry your dad is going through this, and for the mix of emotions you feel as a result. The mind is so complex. Even if he can’t express it, I am sure there are places within his mind that still hold his memories and love for you.
It hasn't been pleasant I'll be honest. He has declined since 2004 when my mum passed away (cancer) and it's been a pretty poor scene to watch. Of course for that time I've been busy taking care of him, making sure he is safe, comfortable and engaged. Now though, the decline is rapid and it's starting to hit home.
We'll be ok of course, it's part of life - Doesn't make it any easier to deal with though I guess.
Thanks for your comment. I really appreciate it and hope things are well with you, or as well as possible. :)
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Many things affect our thinking, though you may not like it. But I like that you go to see your father every week and give him some time, even though you are now a stranger to him. I pray for your father. Really! Life throws us into strange situations at times, where only memories are playful.
I watched my mum fade away with cancer, and die quite horribly...My dad will be spared that it seems, but he will die not knowing his children and who he was in life. That makes me a bit sad. Thanks for commenting though, I know it's a sad post but it made me feel better writing it.
The duty of a child to a parent is something that isn't always so honoured these days, you should feel good that you do actually spend the time to visit him each week.
Have you tried playing favourite music from when he was younger? I read that it can trigger moments of lucidity.
He has moments of lucidity at times, but they are getting fewer as the weeks pass. Unfortunately he does a lot of sleeping these days. When I go there he is typically slumped over in his chair sleeping. I'm loathe to wake him up but I do. we chat and I show him some photos of his grand daughter @smallsteps and his grandson. That's about as good as it gets these days. Today wasn't a good one though.
Thanks for responding. It all makes me a bit sad but I'll be fine, until next weeks' visit.
I was on the other side of the world when my father was declining in health... fortunately (ha...) it was physical and not mental.... however, when I arrived for the last week, it was starting to be mental as well. It was a strange time, but I can only imagine that it is much more difficult for you as it is spread over such a long time.
Stay strong, and remember that this is the debt that we repay to our elders for the times that they looked after us when we were young. It is our duty.. and a good one at that.
It's always a difficult time, no matter the circumstances. Thanks for your kind words of support.
It's a cruel thing. When I was visiting my parents for Christmas, we paid a visit to one of Mum's oldest friends. Carol was like a second Mum growing up, I was only about 2 when we moved in to the house behind theirs more than 40 years ago. So whenever I'm visiting the folks, we always pop in to see Carol.
It had been a few months since we'd visited, so this visit we noticed a big difference. Whilst she's nowhere near the state you've described here with your Dad, I can see it coming like an oncoming train. We could still have a conversation, but it was punctuated with the same questions or statements over and over. We were only there a couple of hours, but it was heartbreaking to see that glimpse into what's coming.
It really makes me wonder what the future holds for me. Will there come a time where I'm in that boat and no longer recognise my daughter?
Life is a cruel mistress.
Yep, that's how it starts. Heartbreaking really. It' something I sometimes think about, as in what will it be like if (when) it happens to me. We have no children so we will need to look after ourselves. I've vowed not to go into a nursing home, but who knows I guess right? Especially if I am in my dad's condition. Sobering thought really. Makes me want to live life to the fullest now.
I feel for you and it is great to share your thoughts in this sort of way as it makes it have more clarity. Steem has been a healer for me in so many ways and I didn't even know it. Have a good day anyway and hopefully next time it will be a bit better.
Hey there, thanks for your reply, and I agree completely, sharing things here has been an excellent experience mostly, probably due to the fact most of us here feel the same way, or are open to allowing others their own thoughts, emotions and feelings. It's a nice community.