Tales from Glastonbury Vehicle Gate 2, episode 1.

Job Dodger was in work mode, his teeth were cleaned, he had the correct paperwork and was cheerful.

The new lot of stewards were waiting where the gate used to be last year, a nervous and sweet bunch of students.
They were rather taken by JD's orange mohican hair, the orange jump suit and his advanced years.
His incomprehensible Bengali Scouser accent and erratic breathing patterns impressed them more, he had a bad Ovaltine allergy from childhood which contributed to this affliction, but the upside was that his pineal gland remained uncalcified so he could see as the ancients did.

He started shouting at the team as they walked towards the gate through some trees, "Who wants a very easy and great job? Who want the best stewarding job there is? Come on you lot, this is not a windup, I mean it!" But no reply from the gaggle of young ones in front of him, the poor deluded fools.... until one tall brunette stewardette said that she will do that quite happily.

The security guard station stood at the top of muddy lane with a steward waiting to be relived, this was the job JD bellowed out about. The young guards looked pleased at having a pretty stewardette instead of a flatulent Leeds fan. They put the tea on to brew and looked after her very well for the whole shift and beyond.
It was her first shift as a steward at her first festival ever and found it to be beyond her wildest dreams, she married one of them two days later in the Chapel of Love and Loathing, but you don't have to believe me do you gentle readers?

Edna the inebriate woman had been tent hopping, no one knew who she was or who recommended her as a steward but she looked and behaved as if she has just escaped from a secure hospital while on a very severe NHS section three.
Billy, one of the Evangelists had succumbed to her beauty and tromboned her all night, but he woke up with a vile hangover, a foul mood and an Uruk-Hai next to him.
It is said that a timber wolf will chew its arm off to escape a trap, this was Billy's dilemma as he looked at Edna, how can I chew my arm off without waking it? Her snakes need combing..... and whats that smell? Billy spent the rest of the weekend with his head in his hands wailing piteously about his misfortune, Graham found this very amusing for some reason. Schadenfreude and cider.

Julia on the vehicle gate was chatting up a catering van driver, the gate was fed by Julia's seduction of food van drivers, they ate magnificently on chocolate profiteroles, pasties, cream horns and bacon roly-poly. This driver had some lovely derby cheese and digestives, well done Julia!

The gate compound where the cars and drivers with no valid entry permits waited while their bona fides were verified was full, Julia's efforts fed them as well so their tempers were muted, but not by much.

"But I am a good friend of Arabella's, she will vouch for me!" The screaming and yelling from these people as they were told to go home was constant, "My Uncle is a barrister, you have not heard the last of this!"

But then there are the genuine ones who can't get in, the sculptors of Griffons and Simurghs, the poor young lot come from a deprived area in a big minibus, they had saved for months to do this but could not get in, they had not got a vehicle pass. This broke everyones hearts, most especially Job Dodger's great wounded heart.

He phoned up Supervisor Clive, who was thankfully nearby, Clive can fix this. Clive gave the youngsters crew camping wristbands while the gate girls and security goons bounced around in happiness to see this generosity, the kids drove in singing their hearts out. Clive is like that you know, did I ever tell you of him and a Hollywood starlet? Or was that Supervisor Steve?

Next episode, how to deal with over entitled tripped out muso's, the facts about mud and titanic demons from hell prowling through the crowds while David Bowie sang.

I hope I have diverted you gentle reader, reading is the best, the pictures are better.