How to Review Movies Like a Pro

Everyone loves movies but apart from the prosaic thumbs up or thumbs down, the general populace often has trouble formulating an intelligent opinion after a viewing, then communicating that to others.  Before you open your mouth and say something embarrassing like, “I cried when Aunt Edna’s dog Dinky died”, these key tips can not only help you to relay the key points of a movie in a professional way, but also let your audience know that you are a lot smarter than them.

Refer to movies as “film”. It doesn’t matter if it’s directed by Kurosawa, Scorcese or Michael Bay. Uncle Bob watches movies. You watch “films”.

Refer to the parts of the film as “acts”. It further establishes that your criticisms come from an immense literary depth. There’s no better way to say, I read Shakespeare than to throw out comments like, “the 3rd act disappoints in achieving an effective catharsis by the protagonist”.

Ridicule accents. It doesn’t matter if you don’t know that Scotland and Ireland are different countries. Throw out statements like, “It was unbearable listening to Scarlett using a Lincolnshire accent when she’s supposed to be from South Yorkshire”.

Throw out references to Citizen Kane, Nosferatu, or Buster Keaton movies. Even better, accuse the reviewed movie of stealing plot segments from them. It’s okay, no one reading your review has ever watched these b&w movies of yesteryear but you’ll score some major egghead points.

Criticize the cgi. Point out how the inconsistent lighting effects and dropped shadows kept you from achieving full immersion. It doesn’t matter if there’s wasn’t any cgi. Your audience will assume there was some but they were too dimwitted to notice.

Drop names of protagonists from literature or Greek mythology. Hester Prynne, Mustapha Mond, Rodion Raskolnikov, Hephaestus, Artemis are all good starting points. Example: “Like Dostoevsky’s Rodion, Robert Pattinson represents the extraordinary man not bound by ordinary morality”.

Whether you’re sharing your film reviews on your private blog, imdb, or just amongst your friends, these Pro tips should get you started in the right direction. Cheers, and have fun!