How to learn to build direct and healthy communication
The question isn't pointless because it seems only victims suffer from manipulation, while manipulators always come out ahead. If that’s true, it might seem like no change is needed. But reality is a lot different.
A manipulator isn’t always a sneaky puppeteer controlling everyone. Often, people manipulate unconsciously because they don't know any better. Everyone manipulates in some way, even those with good intentions or "halo" personalities.
The results vary, especially over time. We are all human, not robots, so complete avoidance of manipulation isn’t possible. But reducing it can bring benefits:
Learn to communicate more honestly. Sometimes, it’s faster to talk openly than to manipulate. Ask directly instead of waiting for someone to guess what you want.
Don’t push people away. Some get tired of manipulation, knowingly or not.
Feel better about yourself. Manipulation might work or fail. Since manipulators don’t ask direct questions, they get vague answers. This can lead to frustration, guilt, or shame.
Unconscious manipulation is hard to spot because it’s done out of habit. Usually, you only notice it afterward. That’s okay. Change takes time, so be patient. Watch out for these signs:
Distorting the truth. Sometimes hiding or omitting facts works better than outright lying. For example, inviting someone somewhere without mentioning a lack of amenities, knowing they care about that.
Avoid taking responsibility. If you always blame others or outside factors for your mistakes, it’s a warning sign. Especially if you shift blame to gain something. For instance, blaming a friend for forgetting a meeting when it’s your fault.
Playing on others’ feelings. Manipulation often aims to trigger emotional reactions, like guilt or flattery. Using emotions to control isn’t kind.
Using resentment to get your way. Kids do this—they sulk or cry to get what they want. Adults shouldn’t. Tears can be normal, but crying just to make someone cave is wrong.
Refusing requests to punish or benefit. It’s okay to say no when you don’t want something. But if you say no just to influence someone or punish them, that’s manipulation.
Working on yourself isn’t instant. You can’t stop all manipulation at once. But you can handle each case as it happens.