HOW TO GET PAID TO REVIEW PORN

Every once in a while you have to stop what you're doing and bless the Internet. After going on a particularly fruitless Craigslist K-Hole last weekend, I found an ad that pays people for watching porn. How, you ask? Simple, writing reviews! True, it sounds like the pipe-dream of a 15-year-old boy, but such an occupation actually exists.

Obviously, it doesn't pay a lot and there are catches all the way through, but here's the gist of it: you're essentially a porn site critic—it begins when you're given a database of over 1,000 websites to review (here's the very, very NSFW link) and you choose the ones you want to write about. Once you find a few that tickle your fancy, you're on your merry way.

Here are some examples of some bad reviews that I was sent, verbatim:

"There aren't girls with big boobs"
"All the girls are from Europe, it would have been better if I found also Asian or ebony girls"
"This f*cking site offers you 2 day trial, but there's a re-bill that robs you for a year"
"Porn stars are scrap in comparison to those of Reality King, and gay section is full of gays"

Verbatim, people.

There's a lot more to a good review than simply talking about the quality of the content and how it makes your pee-pee feel. You're told to give A) a general description of the videos offered, B) a paragraph about the amount of genres, C) the porn stars affiliated with the site, D) the membership price list, and E) a conclusion.

They advise you to steer away from adjectives like "young," "teen," "school girls," or "minors"—and it's suggested that you describe younger actresses in less, well, creepy ways. Makes sense, right?

Every 600+ word review nets you $3.50 via PayPal, which means you'd have to write an encyclopedia to remotely break the bank. Regardless, it's still not a bad gig for a struggling writer who has time to kill and porn to watch. (Some perspective: You'd have to write 17,143 words to earn $100; you're being paid well less than a penny per word.)

You'd be confined to working from home, as it's pretty difficult to watch hardcore pornography in Starbucks without a lawsuit coming up...unless you have a corner seat. Interested? Send an email to this guy...tell 'em Jeremy sent ya. But seriously, don't use my name.

Jeremy Glass is the Vice editor for Supercompressor and admits to having an "inappropriate relationship" with Bill Clinton during his time as President of the United States in 1995.