Eating Out: It's time we talk about Restaurant Ettiquette

Okay folks, at some time or another we are all guilty of being complete asshole douche bags out in public. For whatever reason there is an inherent coding in our DNA that allows us the comfort of just not giving a fuck from time to time and sadly this preternatural glitch has caused millions of human beings in the service industry to suffer on a daily basis when creatons like you and I decide to eat out!

Not that kind of e..... oh never mind

Got your attention? Good!
Listen, I enjoy treating complete strangers like walking talking garbage just as much as the rest of you but I also happen to be a waiter and I've taken about as much shit as I can shovel from people. I don't care how many times you name drop the ownership, or how many happy hours you have logged on what you claim is your bar stool. You aren't special and the faster you come to terms with this fact the quicker we can get along fine. I am pretty appalled at the current state of affairs in the customer service industry. Specifically in this case how restaurant employees are treated these days. I'm not talking about irritating foreign language call center guy either. I'm talking about face to face interaction with a person who has your best interest at heart. Someone you left the house to interact with pleasantly.

I have been in the customer service biz for going on 11 years. The better part of that time I have spent witnessing the best and worst in human behavior. After all, a meal with friends and family is a pretty intimate thing. some folks make themselves right at home. Forgetting they aren't at their own dining room table where they get away with acting like they are the only ones around in a room full of people, dem same folks can get down right nasty. When you decide to break bread together in a restaurant you are aware that another soul outside your ranks will be apart of the occasion. It should go without saying that this person deserves to be treated with some semblance of respect, admiration even, for all the bullshit that they are inevitably suffering through at some point or another during your encounter. If you are like the majority of people going out to have a good time for the sake of having a good time and can do so effortlessly then wonderful!! Glad to have you! If I introduce myself and ask you how your day is going and you respond with "lemons, we need lemons for our water" your as good as dead to me.

If you're headed out to make some poor working sap as miserable as your petty existence has left you feeling I have a few choice words I would love to share with you but won't because I'm a professional and I really, really need this job.

Instead I have chosen to bite my tongue while silently praying like hell that you get what’s coming to you as I compile this short but important list of Do's and Don'ts for everyday people that have for whatever reason not learned how to behave like adults in a public setting where the golden rule is more applicable than ever. Remember folks, the wait staff is there to make your dining experience an enjoyable one, not to be your verbal punching bag. Also they are the ones handling your food. Keep that in mind next time you feel like being a complete asshole for no reason

DO make reservation or call in advance if you are

1. Coming in on a weekend or holiday
2. Coming in for special occasion
3. You are traveling in herds.

DON'T arrive unannounced with your entire softball league after the tournament just ended. You have no right to be upset when you have to wait 20 minutes to be seated and service is slow throughout your meal. There is 30 of you and most likely only one waiter for all of you so be patient Restaurant managers often schedule staff according to business trends based on the time and day. Not making a reservation for larger parties really throws a wrench in what would have been a well oiled machine. You're ignorance is now screwing everyone in the building over, including other guests. Be thankful if and when you are seated at all.

DO train your offspring how to behave like human beings before entering restaurants not designed specifically for children.

DON'T allow your little spawn of Satan the freedom of screeching at the top of their lungs or to roam around sprinkling the floor with crushed goldfish crackers you illegally brought in with you! It’s NEVER okay. The health code has very specific guidelines about bringing in outside food and beverage you know! No bother, none of those cheerios will make it into your little brat’s mouth anyway, those go with the macaroni on the table, empty chairs and floor all around you and no worries, someone else has to sweep up your adorable little mess when you leave. Newsflash, Your waiter is paying his assistant to do that. Remember that next time you decided you can only afford an 8% tip because hey, you now need more goldfish and cheerios!

DO be polite and remain calm if something goes wrong. By now you should have experienced enough disappointment in life to cope with things like having your favorite menu item being 86’d for the evening. We’re all adults here remember?

DON'T throw a fit! It isn’t attractive when you express your outrage every single time I come to check on you. I know we are out of the Ahi man, I’M the one that told YOU about it in the first place remember? I'm not thrilled about it either sir, we're in this together so just let it go

DO treat your waiter or bartender with respect. This goes in hand with the previous example but If I've learned anything from being a waiter, one thing I can tell you is customers really suck at listening so I have to repeat myself quite often. Just jumping the gun this time to save myself some #steem so maybe I'll have some left to fill you in on today's specials for the third time.

DON'T act like the person delivering your well done filet with ketchup is somehow beneath you. Last time I checked only rodents and feral dogs eat the crap your actually paying $39 for .

DO be mindful of how long you occupy your table or bar stool. Tip accordingly

DON'T arrive at happy hour, have a few things and sit through dinner service without ordering more only to tip on your whopping $18 tab hours later. Waiters are only given so many tables in their section per shift and you could very well make or break their night. When you sit in prime real estate that could have been turned 2 or 3 times without ordering anything you are costing them a significant amount of money. Even if it isn't all that busy, you should be chipping in a little extra. If you love your seat so much you simply must sit in it for 4 hours you should keep ordering. A good rule of thumb for tipping in these cases is to start at %18. Adding %1 per hour of your being there. Camping at a table and tipping %10?

DO take the time to give a positive review if you had a nice time and you are already on yelp anyway. Many local mom and pops don't have an advertising budget and will benefit from the free marketing you provide. So If you like a local cafe and would like to see it thrive do the right thing

DON’T be like the majority of assholes and have your negative yelp review submitted before you leave the parking lot after dinner if you never plan to leave a positive one at any time for anyone. If a dining experience can become one of the worst nights of your life, odds are you are partially to blame. People like you tend to be a little dramatic or simply try to shake down the manager for a free something or another. In either case, next time try starting the evening off with a positive attitude and see if this has any effect on the outcome of your experience!

Sometimes I miss the prestige and the creativity of being the chef. But I don't mind the $30 raise I gave myself by moving up front to #serve the good people of America. Sure, yelp reviewers can be real dicks, but the fast cash and lax schedule makes it all worth it. Even if I have to sweep up your children's goldfish and cheerios

#Steem On friends