It's a little difficult reading this, as there's not much breathing space left inbetween paragraphs, but I like the lenght of it.
Also the paragraphs are very big, you could try making them shorter by adding some space after a couple of (3-4) sentences.

I suggest you to try using the ''Enter'' key on your keyboard in a some places and you'll see the post becomes easier on the eye. Just make sure you don't do it in totally random places; the sentences should complete eachother.

Don't forget to use space after punctuation (commas, dots, etc).

Now about the story / plot itself, I'd say you've done a good job with it. It was quite thrilling, had me sit at the edge of my chair. I wanted to know what happened next and you fed the right information to me.

You should definitely keep on writing more and experiment with stuff!