Can Men and Women be "Just Friends"?
Note to reader: This article was written for the sole purpose of addressing issues on campus at Bryan College in Dec 2009. It was submitted as an opinion piece to the school newspaper and was not meant as scholarly piece. It is a conversation starter and also my attempt to raise the level of discussion on important topics. news papers such as the student paper do not allow for much space, and I fear much is lost in discussions and debates because of this. Thus, I encourage us all to read more, and discuss deeper on any given topic. no more of this "o, well people have a short attention span thus we must make articles shorter to pander to them". NO, Raise the bar, give more detailed arguments, and let us learn to be civil in our discussions like the adults we want the next generation to become!
“Just Friends?”
By: ME (Archangel Gavrill) yes I changed this for the steemit blog.
The question often arises when a male spends more than the “normal” amount of time with any one woman: “Is there something going on between you two?” Often, the response of “no” is met with disbelief or a knowing wink. Is it socially acceptable or even possible for a man to have a good female friend? Could this woman conceivably be as close as a sister? From personal experience and some detailed research into the psychological and social studies conducted, I would sadly have to say that in today’s culture, and even here at Bryan College, it appears the answer is no. However, this should not be the case. The Bible mandates to love as brethren. We, the Men of Christ, are called to guard and protect our sisters. This brings friendships to a deeper level if done in the proper context, through the power of Christ and leading of the Lord. Unfortunately, it would seem that our society is determined to prevent this from happening. I have seen countless friendships torn to pieces because mutual acquaintances questioned their friendship. After having to explain themselves repeatedly to no avail, these friends often find it easier to dissolve their friendship instead of continue receiving ridicule and pointed questions.
So, what does the research say about mixed-gender relationships? In the article, Can Men and Women Be Friends, published in Psychology Today, (a journal dedicated to issues relating to family and relationship difficulties) Psychologist Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. says that the belief that platonic friendships are impossible is a bygone from a past era. Now, working together in almost every field, true friendships are not only possible, but desirable. Unfortunately with culture as sexualized as it is, there are so few quality friendships on display, that when they do occur, they are trivialized as we fail define them correctly. Camille Catterjee, author of Can Men and Women Be Friends, continued that thought with the understanding that society may not be entirely ready for nonromantic and platonic friendships. It would be especially hard for the older generations who only know relationships as those who are married or about to be married.
In a major 1988 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, Linda Sapadin shows that big brother relationships are desirable for women. The women felt friendships with men are lighter, more fun and they liked the protective, familial and casual warmth they received from men, viewing them as surrogate big brothers. What they liked most of all, however, was the insight into what men really think. Men felt they could confide in women easier than men. This desire for close brother-sister relationships should be central in our Christian walk and a cornerstone for how we relate to fellow believers. If this fallen world believes these relationships are possible, how much more should we, whom God has called to live as members of one body, be able to build and maintain cross-sex friendships through the Power of Christ?
A socially acceptable and Godly mixed-gender relationship is one in which both parties view and trust each other as brother and sister in Christ. So, what does this brotherly love look like in a cross-sex friendship? In the Bible, verses such as Romans 12:9-10 and John 13:34-35 command us to love as brethren. It is by this love for the family of God that people will know we are the Disciples of Christ. We should view each other as physical brothers and sisters. We are each related through the blood of Christ, and we share the most amazing Father. I love my friends as deeply as my family. I see my role as a brother in Christ as a mandate to love and protect my friends, and to take up the responsibilities of a brother such as to love, cherish, guide and protect. This is the best way for courting or married couples to relate to and help their single friends. With spiritual and emotional maturity and with a clear definition of the relationship, these friendships can be very beneficial. I suggest that the level of trust built from these friendships will draw the courting couple closer if both are a part of the friendship. For the couple, to trust each other completely with friends of the opposite sex builds a strong foundation for their relationship. Friends that trust each other with their struggles form a level of trust that binds them together as the family of God. Our trust in each other’s character solidifies our ability to be one in Christ. Many find this idea very strange and unique.
There are several challenges to this kind of friendship/relationship. One is the image presented to the public eye. The Bible says to “abstain from all appearance of evil”. This can be a daily struggle, because people find the appearance of evil in everything. Heidi Reeder, Ph.D., an assistant professor at Boise State University said “people confuse legitimate brother-sister relationships with romantic relationships. Differentiating between romantic feelings and deep friendship is difficult, but doable. Often, “concerned friends” use this reasoning to reproach people in mixed-gender relationships. It is good for friends to be concerned about each other for they need accountability, however, many of these “concerned friends” are knowingly or unknowingly destroying friendships. In my personal experience and in those of friends, people have told us that we (those in a cross-sex friendship) spend too much time together. In a college setting, this may mean eating meals together, exercising together, hanging out, or studying together. After more than one person came to us, I took the time to observe the relationship and who was voicing concerns. The people who voiced concerns had never taken time to become friends with us, thus, the misunderstanding of our brother-sister relationships. As Oscar Wilde puts it, "The public has an insatiable curiosity to know everything, except what is worth knowing." People in mixed-gender relationships often spend time together for several simple reasons; no one else wants to join them, they are discussing shared experiences, or shared interests. The apostle Paul had good female friends, as mentioned in Romans 16. Shouldn’t we also be able to have good female friends? Clearly Paul worked closely with these women and called them his sisters in the Lord. Did he face the same issues we face today?
As members of Christ’s body and the Bryan College community, how can we aid in building healthy, God-honoring, mixed-gender relationships? Here are some possible methods of approach when observing or experiencing a potentially compromising friendship. First, if there is concern about certain friendships, get to know the parties involved so there is context to view that friendship. Also, look into the activities they participate in together; if they walk too many times around the triangle, consider possibilities such as deeper issues they are working through together instead of suspecting or doubting intentions, X number of laps around the triangle does NOT necessarily mean more than friendship. Who knows? Perhaps they are simply walking to catch up and exercise! Remember, gossip destroys more than it builds. Secondly, remember the importance of accountability within a male-female friendship. If you are currently experiencing difficulties because of confrontation, hold each other accountable and set boundaries. Also, be sure to keep clear and open communication with each other, as well as in other relationships. These practices will prove to be helpful when experiencing confrontation concerning mixed-gender relationships, and may even lead to other preventative measures against the tainting sin of gossip. The basis of gossip is a lack of trust in people’s character.
Above all else, remember who we are in Christ. 1 Peter 2:9 says that we are a “royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession.” We are a chosen people, the FAMILY of God. Our trust in each other and our unity in Christ are our biggest strengths in our struggle with the powers of darkness. Therefore, pray for your brothers and sisters in Christ; we all need each other to press on and boldly fight the good fight. May Yahweh, our Father in heaven, continue to open our eyes to how much He loves us, and may that love sustain us as we endeavor to be one as God Himself is one.
Works Sited
Chatterjee, Camille. "Can Men and Women Be Friends?" Psychology Today. N.p., 1 Sept. 2001. Web. Nov. 2009.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200108/can-men-and-women-be-friends