living with postpartum depression

Why Is This Happening To Me???

I can’t remember how many times I have asked myself this this question, choked by tedious silence afterwards.
The fact that PPD developed in the first place was creating a tornado of emotions in me, because I could not understand what was wrong with me that I cannot enjoy this moment like the rest of the mothers. I was tortured by eternal questions like “Am I a bad mother?”, which slowly transpired into detested statements “I am a bad mother.”.
And after I forced myself to accepting this notion more and more, I remember the sheer raw pain that I was drowning in 24/7. The guilt of me not fulfilling to be what I was suppose to be was this raging, eating feeling, consuming my sanity and will for life.
“Women have had been giving birth since the beginning of time” is a common aphorism circling around in the social conscious. Although, it does contain an essential truth, the actual process is not as easy as implied. Having PPD after you have been granted the most amazing of gifts, is one of the biggest punishments anyone can ever endure, and I’m sure it’s no one’s conscious choice.
Being able to give life is an incredible force God has blessed women with. But at the same time looking after a child, raising them to be a respectful and contributing citizen of the world, requires an even greater strength.
I mentioned in the beginning, either of the parents can experience PPD, however, statistics show that women are more prone to developing it.
There are many individual reasons for this, however, some are universal throughout all cases.
Women have a first hand experience of the responsibility a child is , because they physically carry the child. Us, women, have a physical and emotional connection with the baby before it’s born. And any mother will agree with me when I say that there is not a more joyful moment in a woman’s life then when the little person kicks from within. However, we all know that the a different mindset begins to be established at this point of time- the one oriented towards the baby. Future mothers watch what they eat, what products they use, they experience a wide array of feelings, that range from heartwarming to downrights painful. So all throughout the pregnancy, no matter how easy it’s going, us, women get constantly reminded of the love and responsibility this little person will bring along with them. Mothers happily conform to these conditions and anticipate their babies arrival.
When the baby does arrive, and it’s now out in the world, frail and innocent, this is when a mother’s instinct kicks in fully.
It’s very hard to explain the feelings that arises when one holds their child for the first time, simply because it’s a mix of so many emotions- happy, relieved, sad, afraid.
Many women blame themselves for feeling any negative emotions in this moment. This is a big part of PPD and probably the initiation of the condition.
Know that if you have experienced such emotions, it’s because you are a normal, responsible human being. Realizing that this is the most important thing that has ever happened to you does not make you a bad mother. It makes you a great mother, a fully aware mother. Do not punish yourself that you are accepting the obligation for the little life in your hands, because you know you do it out of love.
Your immense love generates this fear, the fear and doubt of “can I do it?” “will I be good enough?”, and this is yet another proof of how much you care and how strongly you love.
Allow yourself these questions, do not push them away like they are the plague. This is your inner voice trying to have a conversation with you, don’t ignore it.
The fear you are feeling derives from the lack of knowledge or experience, but keep reminding yourself- we are born not knowing and we come to this world with the sole purpose of learning. Just because giving birth comes natural with women, does not mean that we are experts from birth, so don’t expect this from yourself. Just like you have learnt how to walk and write, you will learn how to be a mother day by day, until you are alive. Yes, you will study all of your life. Everyday your child will teach you something new and you will be more knowledgeable than you were yesterday. Grant yourself the gift of this sacred knowledge and take it in not because you don’t know, but because you want to know. This simple inversion of perspective can do wonders for your spiritual maturity along the way of being a mother.
Fear is also caused by the fact that you have not yet discovered your powers and strength. Again, I blame this partially on the social impression over the act of becoming a mother- when they say motherhood comes natural, and this really means that women flourish the one-of-a-kind love and instinct momentarily. It’s not about the skills, it’s about the emotional bond you have with your baby.
You are not suppose to know how to change a diaper or what temperature should the water in the tub be. All you are suppose to know if that you love this little person so much, that you will do anything to learn that and find a way to satisfy it’s needs. And this is the moment, when you should realize how much power does this determination require. I did not realize it at the time when my daughter was a newborn. I came back from the hospital with her, and I was terrified that I cannot bath her. I had no close relative, or a close person to help me with this activity. I was so sad, that I cannot do this for my baby. But I pulled myself together very quickly and hired a nurse. She showed me how to bath my baby. I realize now, that I was lacking the support a young mother should expect from close people around her, and this was a huge part of my depression. At the time, I did not comprehend that this is the natural order- experienced members teach the less experienced ones, instead I attributed this to incapability.
Don’t ever think that you are incapable because you don’t know! Looking after a child is everybody’s responsibility, and when I say everybody, I mean our little social cell that we live in. Just as someone taught you how to ride a bike or how to do math, someone should teach you how to perform mother duties. If you are unlucky enough to miss out on the help and guidance of close people, then do whatever it takes to acquire the knowledge you and your baby need- read books, consult specialist etc.
Most of all, do not permit for the doubt in abilities you are bound to receive to shake your certainty in the fact that you are a great parent! Welcome the idea that parenthood, just like every significant thing in life is a journey of a lifetime. Afford yourself not knowing and being afraid as a part of your growth. You will feel weight being lifted off, simply because acceptance is the first step to any voyage.
“There’s no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one.” – Jill Churchill

Valerie J.