House of cards

*take this one lightly, thank you in advance!

REALLY? At the parc surrounded by a crowd with over 500 people, I bump into you? HOW =']! And why would I even give a damn? Well, let's go back to how we met.

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So, you and me. We met at a bar in the daytime a few months ago. We had an interesting conversation which led to more awesome conversations about life, love, spirituality, psychology. We had a strong connection back then, fun dates, sex, oh my god the sex was amazing. You said you already told you mom I existed? Damn. We had so much potential, but it slipped away.

WHY?
Maybe, since I was an exciting person to be around when we met, which had changed when I moved away to a different city. Maybe something happened at that stupid Dutch party everyone is mad about. Maybe I was too extra, maybe you were too intro. Who knows. I tried to figure it out, and I still want to know what happened, but maybe your attraction for me just simply died. Anyways, we were through.*

I dated one guy after you, he was amazing, full of life, full of joy and he was okay with being a bit goofy. I loved that about him, we were fun in the beginning. He helped me and relieved me from my stress for a few months, distracted me from my supposed-to-be-awesome-new-jetset-life and I helped him with some things too (hopefully).

Hm.. Even though I saw you a couple of times, it didn't bother me, I was with him. And I cared for him, I wanted him.

Until a few months later on a Saturday night, where my house of cards fell. I came to realize I was held prison by my own choices and I couldn't see how to get out even though many people tried to help me. So, I desperately texted you, asked you to help me out sometime and you responded on that night that you had some time on your hands. Right away. I was like; "What the actual fuck? You with your crazy-ass busy scheduled life, you've got a night off?'' So I jumped at the opportunity, came right away and there we sat on you couch.

You gave me the space to rant, you listened and helped me take a look at myself, how I react, respond, interesting stuff. There was nothing more sexy to me than that. And the only way why it worked was, because I felt like I could trust your advice based on attraction I once felt for you and conversations we've had. Oh and besides that, I remember a glass of wine, after all it was a Saturday night.

So that one glass of wine led to another and we ended up in your bed, tangled in heated, sweaty, rough sex. After that I left, kinda confused, but liberated. You acted cold, like you didn't want me there, or didn't want me to stick around, maybe confused, maybe just tired. Whatever it was it made me feel uncomfortable.

It was an incredibly selfish act towards the other guy and a deeply rooted pattern for me to escape a bad situation (Pattern: Make a huge scene so that subject doesn't even want you there anymore, apparently it's easier for me to make other people hate me rather to come clean and to face the truth; it's pattern to let go of) I told him about you and he was out. Can't blame the guy.**

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So let's go back to the parc.
We did our small talk. You went on holiday and I changed my hair color twice, got a septum, quit my job, signed up for University, made plans to move back, you know, usual summer stuff..

But hey, now that you're standing here before me, I feel the need to bring up the all the confusion I felt and take all of my yet unanswered questions (the WHY), lay it out on the ground and make us take a cold hard look at the mess we made, but you just turn away. "You're fine". I'm left in confusion, like what? What we had, didn't happen at all?***

Am I the only one who goes through this? Did you experience this too? Hot/cold/hot/cold? Let me know! How did you deal with it?

To end this post, here are a few lessons I've learned from this series of events:

• Spend time figuring out what you could've done to make things better, instead of questioning why he did what he did. You can only choose to change YOUR ways, not his.
  ** When you want out of something, calm yourself, make a script, talk to subject about how you feel, find a solution together. If it doesn't work you'll know you've tried and you can find peace in that
  *** LET FUCKING GO, you're not a more likable person to be around when you keep trying to dig up shit from the past. Plus you're probably never gonna figure it out yourself, use the energy for positive purposes
  *** He probably doesn't want to talk about it because he doesn't want to hurt you, or he might be in a state of confusion himself, maybe it wasn't the right time and place when you brought it up. In any way, don't take it personal girl. You're cool, he's cool, everything will work out just fine.