What Makes You Feel Loved

Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve been mesmerized by love stories. Love stories in books. (Hello, “Wuthering Heights.”) Love stories on the big screen. (“The Sound of Music,” “Notting Hill,” “Love Actually”… I won’t tell you how many times I’ve watched these films again and again.) Love stories in the news. (I read the New York Times’ Modern Love column religiously each Sunday.) Yes, I love love stories. I’ve even been known to burst into tears when an elderly couple tells me their love story. Stories like these inspire me. They give me hope. They bring me joy. Many years ago, a friend asked me, “Maria, what makes you feel loved?” The question stopped me cold in my tracks. I was quiet for a bit because the truth was, I wasn’t entirely sure how to answer the question. But today, I know exactly what makes me feel loved. I feel loved when I feel seen. I feel loved when I feel heard. I feel loved when I feel safe, secure and understood. I feel loved when my children hug me or take a walk with me. I feel loved when I arrive to lunch with a friend and see that they’ve ordered me something that they know I like. Over the years, I’ve learned that love isn’t just the stuff of movies or novels. It’s the day-to-day stuff that you don’t hear about often enough. Love is someone putting a blanket over you. Love is someone calling you simply to say hi. Love is someone taking you to the doctor and patiently waiting by your side. Love is someone stopping to listen to you. (I mean, really listen to you.) Love is when someone gives you their time and speaks to you in a loving and kind way. I’ve also learned what love isn’t. Love isn’t degrading or belittling. It’s not shameful of confusing. Someone doesn’t get to say “I love you” after degrading you or abusing you. (If you need a reminder of that, read Rob Porter’s ex-wife Jennie Willoughby’s powerful essay.) They also don’t get to only tell you “I love you” after you get an “A” on a test or win first place in a competition. Love isn’t conditional. It’s healing. It’s nurturing. It’s empowering. And the good news is, we can all show it to one another in the here and now. So on this weekend leading up to Valentine’s Day, I hope you are able to reflect on all the love in your life. I hope you are also able to take the time to reflect on the love being given to you, and on the love that you have to give to those around you. We all need to feel love, especially in these turbulent and changing times. I mean, look at us. People all around us are fighting and struggling. They are struggling financially, emotionally, spiritually, and, yes, physically. They feel lonely, anxious, scared, confused, and misunderstood. Empathy and love are the cure for these feelings. That’s why it behooves us all to take a step back and check our empathy quotient. Each of us can step back and ask ourselves, “Are we leading from a place of love, empathy and understanding?” Are you doing your best to show love to yourself and others? Are you doing your best to cultivate compassion and empathy in your children? Are you doing your best to show love to those you work with and interact with on a daily basis? These are questions we can each ask ourselves every day. As I watched several news stories unfold this week, I was struck once again by the fact that none of us truly know what is going on in the life of another human being. We make judgments all the time about people, about couples, about strangers. And yet, we know nothing. What I do know for sure is that we all need love. We all crave that feeling. And yet, we don’t always know when someone is really in need of it most. We never know what someone is going through or what they are feeling at any given moment. That’s why the best way to approach every person or situation in our lives is with love.