My greatest regret. TOTGA.

It all started back in the Winter break of 2016, I was single back then and my friend introduced me to TINDER. It was an amazing application for me at that time because I was feeling lonely and needed someone to talk to. Though I know that Tinder was for hookups, I was there because I was looking for conversations and companionship. Despite with how I look, I was able to match with someone immediately. It was my first time back then to hold conversations with someone who I haven't met before. I started the conversation with some cliche lines and then she reprimanded me, though I was able to turn it around by talking about my involvement in a praise and worship community. We got so busy with chatting each other, sharing things about us. I asked for her number and eventually became text mates. She asked me why I was on tinder. I told her that I was just looking for companionship and nothing else. She didn't believe me at first but still we continued chatting. Eventually, having conversations with her became a part of my routine. The good mornings, good nights and "Have you eaten?", have been the special moments of my day. After days of continuous chatting and texting, we became so comfortable with each other that we decided to meet. The first meeting we had was very special, as a timid person, it was really awkward at first. The night ended well, we both got to know each other and we both had fun. After our first meeting, we then met regularly. I got so accustomed to her, and she got accustomed to me.

Days before Valentines Day, she told me that she had suitors that asked her out on a date. She was hinting that she would like for us to have a date on Valentines Day. She then asked about what is our situation. Since at that time I was still not into commitments, I told her that "What we have is special, but I want to stick with what I first told you that what I was looking for was companionship. In a way, I was pushing her to other people. She became silent after I told her. During Valentine's Day, she refused meeting those suitors and waited for me. I gave her a rose(it was my first time giving flowers to someone) and treated her to dinner.

As months passed by, we continued to see each other, without the labels and commitment. During the summer, I got infatuated with another person. I was slowly leaving her for another. She noticed me getting colder and colder and asked what happened. I told her that we can't continue with what we are and hope that we could stay as friends. She told me to leave slowly. We still chatted from time to time.

My relationship with the other person did not end well. So I went back to her, she still accepted me and showed me that she was still there for me. I was still not into commitments and I was still focusing on other things and not on her. We met casually, had occasional dinners but there was still no label. At that time, I haven't realized how much she changed for me. How much effort she made just to see me, to be with me. I still continued being an asshole to her yet she was still there for me.

During my birthday, I invited my closest friends and I did not invite her. She was excited about my birthday, she already bought a gift and was just waiting for me to call yet I did not messaged her or called her. It was during that time that she was really hurt. She told me that she cried for 3 days. I was insensitive at that time. Days after my birthday, I invited her to a family gathering, she still went despite how much I hurt her. However, she was not like before. She was a little colder. Still, I haven't noticed.

It was after that incident that she frequently met with a friend. She was sharing what she had experienced to this friend. It was at this point that she spent more time with her friend and disregarded me. We spent lesser and lesser time with each other and eventually, I was the one who initiates the conversations. It was at this point in time that I realized that I needed her, that she was there for me when I needed someone to talk to. It was also at this point that she became all I think about, that I would like to commit myself to her.

But it was too late. She started falling for her friend, who showed the same feelings for her. I tried reaching out to her, inviting her out for dinner, sending memes to her and talked about my day to her, yet she seemed to be busy every time. Only to find out that she has been going out with that friend. It was on her birthday that I tried to treat her to dinner, that I would ask her to be my girlfriend. But it was already too late. I let a great person walk out of my life.

It's been many months since then. She was the girl who was always there. Not matter what I did, she was there to love me even when I was less than loving. I took it for granted for a while. Then I realized she's what I needed for the rest of my life yet I was too late. She was and is still my greatest regret to this day.

Here's her message when I asked about her and her friend.

Translated to english:
"He eventually arrived and I starte talking to him about you. At that time IRDK what we were. And I Started realizing that I was the one always chasing after you and that I was tired. I always felt like it was me that wants to go out and see each other, that I was the one that initiates. On your birthday I cried for 3 nights straight and decided to let it go afterwards. But after that, I actually felt numb. I was so excited for your birthday. bla bla. I know it's kind of pathetic. But not making a way to see me even after or before you saw your friends that time, I know what that meant. I cried bc I felt so stupid and irrelevant."

With this post I hope I can move on. That this become a learning experience and accept that she won't be there for me.