The Most Love I've Tried

So sad, so sad that the Hearts Days passed without anything and nothing happened. I mean of my husband not even greeted me over the phone and what more of sending one rose or any flower that can make my day complete.

For twenty years that we're married he never ever gave me such flowers or roses that I am dreaming every year. Of course, I am dreaming and still hoping that some day that he can remember me to give any one stick of a flower but it's only a bull shitty things or a regrets of my entire life.

You know guys, every occasion and every year I used to read and scroll only in social media the sweetness and the romantics that the couple showed to each other. I am just envy and feel so empty. Asking myself, what happened to me? Am I the woman that a man can do something so unfair? I am a strong woman I know and I get it from my painful experiences. But what I am now? I can't really believe that this strong woman will fall like this.

I am a desperate one I know. I just like to hide it especially to my love ones that I don't like them to pity me and feel the loneliness too for me. This is the thing that I'm always hiding. It's hard to hide the feelings inside but I have to.

I can say that I am a martyr with regards to a relationship. I can say it clearly and I really hate it. I am so weak. I am vulnerable too. I am the most pitiful among my sisters. But I am trying not to be like what they are thinking about me. It's hard to show them that you're not hurting indeed.

I am asking myself why I am like this? How my husband treated me like this and how he can make foolish things over me. He doesn't even treat me as a wife but we're in the same roof. It's painful to be in a civil manner.. yeah so hurtful. Last February 14.. I'm still waiting for him to greet me a heart day but nothing. The day ended and just an ordinary day for us.

Only my children just remembered me, they made me a beautiful and an amazing Valentine's card that really touched me so much. They made me cried so much. Every word broke my heart and wanted to make me cried to the fullest.

These flowers, my roses in my dreams only fell to the ground every year of February 14. It's 20 years already of waiting, hoping, wishing and dreaming and still nothing and it's always a drawing. I'm getting tired and hopeless. I'm getting depressed only and immatured regarding this non sense in life but the reality is biting me. I'm hurting and I don't know why? I'm asking myself, why should I be hurt if I don't love him anymore?

Don't fool myself? I'm really fool knowing that he never love me for 20 years. I don't believed that because 20 years is not a joke but he never loved me since we are together in one house, one room and even a legal wife and husband.

I am always like this.. Getting tired but I never quit. I don't know the reasons behind even so painful inside. I am fool that maybe I am only the one who loves a person. How stupid I am. I don't know why? This is me and I can't just imagine myself standing in this type of foolishness. I don't know how far I can still walk from here.

I want to leave in this kind of feelings, I'm so tired already that I really don't know myself and doesn't care about myself too. But how? I have children and we have children to raise. Is it that I'm the only one to suffer?

It's easy for my children to let their father go away. They are just kids and not aware of life is going on. It's hard for me without him too because of finances but how about the feelings that I'm used to endure it for long years? Do I have to maintain this kind of life? I feel so wasted. Only God knows my future and what is in store for me.

I feel like I'm a water flowing in the river where there's no direction but to go straight to the same water.. God just hear me and guide me throughout my deep journey. I want not that hate to my husband to be strong but hoping that love will still be much to see in time.

I will end this now and I hope another one to come next. An update of my life to love, to hate and love again.

Thank you all and I wish you all the love you deserved. Goodnight 😘❤😘

It's better late than never... Happy ❤❤❤ Day❗