H.O.P.E
Hello, hello beautiful people. Remember how in "Czech me out" I told you I had sex, but not in Prague? Well, it’s time to talk about it. Since December 2017 my ex T ("Adorable badass") with whom I had and still have a complicated relationship insisted on meeting. I agreed and got this text:
It was a date, and... I needed to clear out my feelings for him. I know life is pretty twisted and sooner or later, I’d still somehow bump into him. So I wanted to be sure that I’m in complete control of the situation. After more than one and half year without seeing each other, clearly, I was nervous and excited. Honestly, I pictured our date in so many ways, but not like it actually happened.
First of all, let me tell you this: I didn't prepare myself in any particular way. No makeup, no different clothes or lingerie, nothing! I had a lot to talk with him as a friend and nothing else. When he arrived, he came inside and just started to walk around my living–room, while I remained speechless still holding the door opened and couldn't believe his entrance. After 2–3 min he came back with a hug, and I could feel how nervous he was too. Ooooooook... Not what I pictured, but I get it. We all have strong emotions and a weird way to manifest them. So we hugged, but something wasn’t right, something was missing, and he instantly became ’one more.’ After the hug, we opened a good bottle of red wine and sat on the couch chatting. It was pretty clear to me that there are things I cant just scrub off. That there’s no turning back this time, no more psychological manipulation, no more games, no more love or moves left. He saw it in my expression and asked me to "give a tour of the apartment." When we arrived in front of the bedroom, he started pushing me, throwing me aggressively on the bed, holding my hands and saying how much he missed me and wants me. I would’ve enjoyed at maximum with a man capable of that, but he’s so not the type. I even nicknamed him "Shrimpy," you have to guess why. I used to love his romance, his passion, his ways of discovering my body inch by inch with patience till he gets to my limits. I never expected that kind of ’reveal.’ Totally, definitely not! He is the second man to whom I said most of my darkest fears and he knows how sensitive and vulnerable I am to certain reactions. I thought he’d listened, but I was wrong, again, and like every other man on this planet he put his needs above everything.
Men are like "Who the fuck cares about your expectations! Let’s fuck!"
Even tho I said "STOP" a few times, he continued touching and kissing my body like a wild animal capable of true calculated evil. For a few minutes, I had that feeling of being raped all over again, and I had small depression after he left... I wanted him out and away from my home! I pushed him and start staring at him confused. Then and only then, he realized what an idiot he was.
You are always responsible for how you act, no matter how you feel.
His reaction was priceless, but too late, the harm was already done. Unfortunately, I knew that he’ll never change, too fucking late for that also, but I hoped there’s some empathy left. I could hear him in the background apologizing over and over again... but I didn’t give a crap. At that moment he was completely gone from my heart, soul, and mind. Every single trace of a feeling left in me for him, gone. "This was a closure," yes indeed it was, and for the very first time in a long time, he got it right. We talked a lot, watched some Netflix and chilled. Once more he ignored my desires and tried to hug–kiss me, and then is when I couldn’t shut up anymore and start talking the real deal. I remind him of everything, all the shit things he did or said to me, either small or big, good and bad. Smoking a huge ciggie, I’ve managed to pull my thoughts together and tried to explain how now he’s "buddy" and not my boyfriend. There are lots of things I had not enough time to elaborate, but I pointed them out as much as I could meanwhile chatting and pouring wine into glasses. It also pissed me off that he came all banged up emotionally and physically. I mean, seriously now, how the fuck can you see someone after almost 2 years and not even take a god damn shower before?! WTF... Parfume was out of the discussion... Skin rash blooming, and, I had a shock when I saw his toenails. OMG!!!!!!!!!!!! I had a heart attack right there, people!!! I swear that I never saw something similar in my life. NEVER, not even in my worst fucking nightmares! At least he apologized and felt ashamed of his messed up physical appearance. I'd appreciate that, but unfortunately, it is not the first time I saw or heard it. Too late for this as well... I realized that he only understands from his level of perception. So, why 'bother' with future expectations!
Hold On Pain Ends...
Luv, M.