Reflection

Anxiety is the heart racing, the lungs inhaling and exhaling so fast you can't function. Everything around you stops. The thing you are panicking about is the only thing on your mind. It's like an attack from behind or those dreams where you scream and can't be heard. You try to escape but you are just brought down with it

Depression is the helplessness you cover with a "I'm doing well, how about you?" The feeling of not belonging anywhere and the perception that the world would be better without you. To ease the pain of everything. Combining depression and anxiety together you get a shit storm of fucks. When that feeling of not belonging happens the heart races and the mind shuts down. Putting yourself in a state of helplessness and vulnerability.

Today I realized it was World Mental Health day. And before you say "oh my there is a day for everything." Mental Health is a very big problem that many people don't talk about. Well coming from the south not many people talk about dealing with mental issues. My first panic attack was two weeks before my sixteenth birthday, I was home alone and thought I was having a heart attack. It started with the hyperventilation, which turned into me lying on the floor with no feeling in my limbs and severe chest pains. My dad walks through the door and I told him I having a heart attack and needed to go to the hospital. He shoves Aspirin down my throat and rushes me to the ER. After many tests I was told by the doctor I had a panic attack and she handed me a stack of papers, and a cup of ice cream from my brother celebrating my first panic attack (it runs in our family). A stack of papers that felt so impersonal and were of no help for me, and a cup of ice cream that felt like a new introduction to my family. Even years later my parents never talk about it, only my sibling do.

This one panic attack that down the road turned into depression and into eating disorders. Always trying to remind myself that this is not me, its the depression talking, or the anxiety talking, or the mirror talking. Not telling anyone of my wish to not be here anymore, or this feeling of not being in my body. There were times I would not feel anything, this sense of numbness through my physical and mental body. Taking different medicines, that are supposed to help you but make you sick to your stomach.

It has now be close to nine months since my last panic attack and feeling depressed. I have finally found a place that I love surrounded by my new family. Without having to shove pills down my throat. I was talking about this to someone the other day, on the subject of depression. My sophomore year of high school was one of the worst times of my life, everything that I knew was crashing down around me. I specifically remember pulling out a notebook and writing out my suicide, only to second guess myself and tearing up the paper. If it wasn't for that second guess I may not be here today. Not many people know that about me especially because they see all smiles when I'm around. But keep in mind that people mask their pain with smiles, that they are just slowly killing themselves.

Never just ask someone how they're doing, just to make small talk. REALLY ask them how they are doing, you never know if you could save someone's life.