The Internal Struggle for Freedom

Freedom is the thing I most desire, the thing that I get the most frustrated that I somehow feel that I don’t have enough of. I want to be free to work on stuff that I like. Free to wear and say what I want. Free to travel where I want to travel to.

My whole life has a been a quest for freedom, yet it has been so extraordinarily hard to obtain. Sometimes I take a step back and realize how much freedom I actually have as an American, and think maybe that is enough, other times I think about how much I wish I could just work for myself so I would be free to travel the world, and what I have then becomes not enough, not even close actually.

I have a career that I like, that I chose. It supports my family well and it is work that I’m good at and enjoy doing. But it is still a job. Needing to be a certain place at a certain time every day except for 12 sick days and 12 vacation days and 10 or so holidays and all weekends still seems like a trap.

I spend hours in my head every day reeling about how to find a career that allows me to have the freedom I truly desire, yet I can’t seem to take action on it. When I do take action, and find something to work on that gives me some progress, I usually give up, or complete what I wanted but ultimately fail, because it is never enough. I can’t quite seem to escape the trap I have set for myself, which is this belief that I’m not really free and I can’t really achieve the freedom that I want.

How do I create the mindset where I can actually give myself this so called freedom that I deeply desire? How do I give myself the time and money to take my fiancee and almost two year old son on a three month trip to Europe or Asia? How do I give myself a career that I love and can be done anywhere in the world from my laptop and smart phone?

I don’t know. I just don’t know right now. What I do know that I need to work on it every single god damn day. I need to wake up and think, ‘How am I going to make progress toward my goal that will lead to freedom?’ rather than think about all of the other bullshit and drama that distracts me from my ultimate goal and purpose.

Because I’m not totally free to devote myself to these side projects and hustles that I so deeply crave success in, I have to work as much as I can stand on these things in my spare time away from my job, fatherhood, my relationship, and friends. That doesn’t leave a ton of time to spare. When I’m tired, I can’t just turn on the TV or go on my phone. I have to fight through that tiredness and take full advantage of the designated time I allowed myself to have for this.

I need to stick to routines and have discipline. I need to take care of my physical needs (healthy food, exercise, sleep), emotional needs (time with family, fiancee, and friends), mental needs (creative outlets and idea generation), and spiritual needs (meditation, connection to source, and yoga) before I can even think about attempting my side projects and hustles that will give me freedom. Because if all of my basic needs aren’t met, then I can’t do jack shit because what I make will suck. I always have to take care of the core elements and needs first, self actualization comes next.

Getting real freedom is going to be hard, it’s going to take dedication and resolve that so far I haven’t had. That is why most people aren’t free, because they aren’t willing to put in the extra work. They would rather watch TV and eat cheetos, because it feels good in the moment, but in the long run they are choosing to suffer by taking it too easy, because nothing good ever comes easy. It’s easy to give up on dreams, and even easier to not have them in the first place.

My problem is that I have dreams, I have high ambitions. My soul can’t rest until I achieve that freedom. I will always be kind of depressed if I’m not working towards that freedom. Working towards my goal of freedom, if all of my core needs are met, is the only thing that can bring me out of the depression that I fall into when I think of my lack of the freedom. Maybe taking action is simply enough, even if I never get to my ‘ideal’ freedom state.

All I know is that for the last week or two I have fallen into a depression that is spawned by lack of action on my side projects and hustles, and also a lack of exercise, which is a huge core need. I come to realize every time I fall into depression like this that I simply need to get going, to take action, to do a fucking workout video and come up with some ideas of what to work on, and to write.

My advice to anybody who actually reads this, especially if you are depressed: First, take care of your core needs (physical, mental, emotional, spiritual) and then take action on that which gives you freedom, be it a side project, a cause, or even a job. If you don’t know what to take action on, make figuring that thing out your action. Do it as soon as possible, because life is short and nothing comes doing nothing, get out there and create the freedom you deeply desire, because your soul deserves nothing less.