the consequences of insecurity
my insecurity is real right now and with out exposing too many personal details im gonna try to work through it here and hope maybe I can get some feedback, help, or maybe find someone else to help so bare with my friends.
I love my wife more than anything in the world and id trust her with my life.
with that being said I honestly don't know why I'm even struggling with the thoughts going through my head. as I'm sitting here typing this article shes in the other room with a "good" friend from highschool. she had asked me a few days ago if this guy can come stay the night because hes from out of town and didn't want to spend the money on a hotel room while hes here for work. at first I said no but I want my wife to know I trust her so I changed my answer to yes.
when he got here he didn't seem one bit interested in introducing himself to me. with a beer in hand the first thing him and my wife do is go outside while they got high. since they've came back in they've been sitting together on the couch drinking and talking to eachother while watching movies sitting uncomfortably close together.
at first I tried to dismiss my feelings but as the night goes on my wife is acting more suspicious asking me whats wrong a million times and overly saying I love you like shes trying to prove something and now the thoughts are just too much to dismiss.
now I'm a logical person or atleast I try to be and when my thought process comes before emotion and action I do pretty well for myself but when that order is out of whack I have to put my self in check take a step back and think.
my wife would never cheat on me that's a fact. the thoughts and things I'm picking out are irrational and emotionally based and not real. I know that I'm being one sided and not taking in to account the truth. in all honesty ive secluded myself and left the room putting my self in the bedroom behind a closed door I did not say I love you back and I feel guilty that I'm more than likely instilling the same feelings of insecurity in her that I'm feeling myself because of how hard I'm pushing her out.
after the loss of our son I'm sensitive as all hell and I always feel like our relationship is in trouble when truly they may not be. I have low self worth and I'm unhappy not with her but of my own actions. and what I'm thinking is not fair to her but yet here I am spending an hour writing an article about and ruminating on the feelings doing more harm, than good.
these are the consequences of insecurity. and they can get much much worse.
how do I change my train of thought and my actions to reflect my true thoughts and desired actions?