Finding the courage to start again

Let me start by saying this post is going to be far from perfect. It just happens that I’ve discovered Steemit at a time in my life where I am trying to find the courage to give life another try, so it seems like the obvious choice of subject for me to post about.

Now before you roll your eyes at me, yes I know mental health posts, adverts and just general stigma fighting content is EVERYWHERE!. While I know those posting have good intentions all it does is remind me of my illness every time it pops up in a feed.

"So why are you posting about it ya great big hypocrite?"

I know, I know. It’s not for publicity because I honestly don’t believe anyone will be interested enough to read it, and even if they start they are likely to find it too depressing a subject to read for long. Nope...I’m posting here for me and only me. Because I know that I need something physical to push myself to fight through the fear. To fight the urge to give up and to try to prevent the hurt that it causes my loved ones every time I try. If you want to join me on my journey you’re more than welcome to, but I don’t want to hold back my emotions so please be warned some of the content may be triggering. If this is the case for you please stop reading and seek support from your care network or local helpline. Your story is just as valuable!

The starting point

So where am I right now? It’s February 2018. I’m an overweight 35 year old woman sitting in my pajamas at my PC, in my insanely cluttered dark bedroom that I have left only to eat and pee for about 6 days now. It’s probably been close to a week before I last showered and my parents (yes I still live with my parents) are downstairs watching TV. I’ve not worked since August 2017 (I'll save that story for another day). I’m not legally allowed to drive due to my current mental health status. I have less than 10k to my name, half of which is currently invested in currency trading in a desperate bid to earn myself a living of some kind without having to leave the house or interact with anyone. Surely things can only go up from here right……...right?

I guess I should start by explaining my diagnosis. I was officially diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder) about 5 years ago, although it’s clear it’s been affecting me a lot longer than that. It’s a label that’s sometimes used as a “you don’t fit anywhere else” group but having read the criteria I believe it is correct for me. The clue is pretty much in the title. My emotions are very unstable, I can shift across the whole spectrum of emotions sometimes in a time period as short as an hour and feel those emotions on a stronger level than the general public.

Now that applies to all emotions so when I’m happy GREAT! I’m bouncing off the walls like a kid who's experiencing her first bouncy castle and wants to tell everyone who’ll listen how great it is. I’ll talk in a animated, high pitched, loud voice to express how much a particular topic or item means to me.

While embarrassing on reflection these times obviously aren’t the real problem. Anger, fear, anxiety, depression…..that’s what causes the real issues. Anger especially gets me into trouble because I turn it inward. I’ll punish myself for that little mistake I made, stupid thing I said or just generally because I feel I’m a bad person. I’m far from perfect but logically I know I’m not a bad person. Those of you who suffer too will know though that it’s not about the logic. It’s about what you believe and that’s going to be the hardest part to change if I am ever going to turn my life around.

Plan of action

Where on earth do you start when you hate your entire being? No really I’m asking….how the hell do I do this?

If I try to change everything at once it’s going to be too overwhelming, I know that. I guess I need some ultimate goals and then break them down into smaller steps.

• I need to lose weight, that’s a given. Unfortunately it’s not easy to find the energy. I have the time for a gym but lack dispensable income and an easy method of transport to get there. Maybe start with a daily walk?
•  I need money! Everyone does obviously but other than the normal bills I have private therapy costs (Don’t get me started on the NHS side of things just yet) and I need to get out from under my parents roof. Although independence has benefits it also has risks while I’m unstable. 
• Self harm. Like any addiction it’s always going to be a constant battle. Luckily I have made a good start in that I haven’t cut now for two years but the urges will always be there. I need to keep fighting this one. Might get a tattoo touched up if the urges get too much.
• Suicide attempts/threats. Yeah this one needs a lot of work. On average I go through a six month cycle before I reach the point of sheer desperation. August ‘17 was the last. I guess the first step would be to try to reach a year without episode.
• My room is a tip! No seriously there are no words to describe this. It’s not even just clothes on the floor, it’s pure clutter. See I bargain with myself….. “If you don’t hurt yourself you can buy that random piece of tat” and when collections are involved it gets a little out of hand. In a year I collected 700+ skylanders. You know those toy to life figures that are completely unsuitable for my age group? Yeah, think I need to try to sell those for a bit of cash but the sheer quantity is going to make that a job and a half.
• The big one. I need to learn to love myself. I have noooooo idea how to do that

I guess my hope is by typing about my thoughts I might be able to make a little sense of it all. Put feelings that have been holding me back to rest by typing them out. Come to terms with the past rather than ruminating over them repeatedly and just generally trying to look after myself for once.

Other than staying anonymous I’m pretty much an open book so if you do have questions or would like to see me write about a specific aspect of mental health feel free to comment. I’d also love to know steps you may have made to help get yourself out of a dark hole. I was brainstorming in bed last night (as you do) about possible topics I could write about. Lemme know if any catch ya fancy.

Suicidal horcruxes

First time being sectioned

Teaching myself to trade

PMT squared

Be kind, always

Sharky

References:
https://pixabay.com/en/divider-separators-colorful-design-2461548 https://pixabay.com/en/phoenix-bird-fire-bright-red-swing-1440452 https://giphy.com/gifs/excited-fox-jumping-Qw4X3FvQloGzpQju1qM