Healing takes time and investment. 

Expecting someone to forgive you and then “just get over it” is unrealistic. You are telling them to push it deep deep down and never bring it up again, but this does not lead to true healing for either of you.   

What should asking for forgiveness really look like?   

1.  Seeking forgiveness is to admit I hurt you.   

That seems simple enough, but it isn’t simple at all.  You are acknowledging: 

I am human.  I am not perfect.  I am ordinary.   

It is hard, but it makes all the difference.   

2. Seeking forgiveness means shifting your focus from you to them. 

You caused a friend pain. How do you feel about that?  

If you are simply embarrassed, you are still dwelling on your imperfect humanity. Move beyond how you feel, and imagine how your friend is feeling. Has anyone ever hurt you, let you down, belittled you, made fun of you? How did you feel then?   

Does it bother you, make you feel sad that your friend is sad? This is empathy. You move beyond understanding that your friend is hurting to actually feeling hurt for him. Knowing that you are the one that caused the pain should really upset you. Not because you are embarrassed, but because your friend is hurting. Your focus shifts from yourself to your friend.   

3. Finally, seeking forgiveness involves partnering with the other person in healing.  

You want your relationship to pick right back up where it was before. Sorry, not going to happen. 

That person now carries hurt - hurt that you gave them. You can never fully take back the hurt, but you can help him carry it. When you understand your friend’s pain, you are more likely to engage him in conversation about his healing process. Ignoring his healing process because you are embarrassed or ashamed means that you are self-preserving rather than empathizing. The healing process will take a lot longer or possibly never happen if the perpetrator (you) is not brave enough to embrace his humanity and self-preserves by ignoring his friend’s need to heal.    

Be brave.  Acknowledge your humanity.  Engage your friend in his pain, and enable him to heal.