Letting go

I am honestly holding on until the last hour to make this post. What am I up to you might be asking at the back of your minds?Well, I am trying to call a friend up to ask for her forgiveness. Its not a melodramatic, life changing fault but, as I get older, I realised that apologising for things that must have hurt anyone is a must.

What made my friend very special was that, I met her when I was still very young. That was like my formative years as a human being. Back then, I was very naive, innocent and well, very much an irritating person. I never wanted to be an annoying person but then, my friend is following some weird rules (I am trying not to be negative or judgemental here!). I cannot understand why is it "not allowed" for me to hug her when I have not seen her for a long time. I also cannot get the explanation that the other member of her "family" is trying to get pass me- THAT ITS NOT SIMPLY ALLOWED TO TOUCH OR HUG ANYONE. That is the rule and, it is to be followed at all times. There was even a time when that same person even started insinuating that I am into girls- which shocked me further as in my culture and family especially, greeting anyone with hugs and kisses(on the cheeks) is not considered a sexual thing. I could fill an entire entry or if I am into it, a series of things that this person accused me of which is wrong or, is not unlikely or is simply not suited for their type of life style.

To make the story short, despite the misgivings of this person, she pursued in our relationship. She gave me advises and was even my emotional support during those tumultous times in my life. For my part, I appreciated her very much because, her personality is similar to mine. In fact, a part of the reason why I kept up with her was that, she reminded me so much of what my possible older self might turn out someday. Since we have the same personality, its almost always difficult for me to lie to her because, she can always guess(that's so scary on so many levels!) what is in my mind. Nonetheless, I loved her for it. Over the years, though she stayed from one place to another, I tried my best to keep up with her.

Over the years, I had met a lot of people who I believe now were not good company and then, I started snapping at her. Although she always took that in good stride. I believe now that perhaps the reason why I was snapping at her was not because of the things that she is trying to tell me but simply, I must have resented her . So, I kept my distance. In fact, I was ready to throw in the towel and just start my journey alone.

I must have been truly an offensive person then but, she did not loose her faith in me. I knew that she kept praying for me and was always trying to update herself on whatever I am up to. Although I did not really want to visit her, I did decide to do so on my last day before departing to Oceana. I just cannot understand why but, I just did. She was so happy to see me and, she gave me something that I thought would keep me safely from harm- a relic of their patron saint and a medallion that she kissed before handing them over.

Initially, I did not think much of that. In fact, after she had handed that over to me, I just chucked that off at the bottom of my bag and that's it. Little did I know that that tiny thing was my saving grace: during my stay in the region, life became so difficult and oppressing that, I readily gave up and came back into my country. In addition to that, I carried a heavy emotional baggage- hatred specifically for this person who hurt me(she kept justifying everything but, she was mean to me . VERY MEAN.)

I moved on with my life. That relic and medallion that I kept at the bottom most part of my drawer or, at a specific place where I cannot find it by chance was actually my saving grace. When I first stumbled on it, it reminded me of her and, I was so filled with so much love, peace and happiness. I remembered the things that she taught me when I was little. The little comfort words that she used whenever I get hurt and, that helped me a lot in my recovery. I also felt guilty with the way I treated her. I would have prefered a face to face apology but since that seems to be impossible in the next few weeks, I decided to do the second best thing: call her up. Though we might not be able to keep up with each other as much as we did when I was younger, I believe that admitting my mistakes and, moving on from it is pertinent to me. I am not perfect. I am not even sure if I would be able to sustain our friendship. But, I have great confidence in my friend's ability to forgive and for that, I love and appreciate her more than ever. And, I am hoping that someday, I'd truly grow into the woman that she had become now.