Continue to write. Continue to vocalize. Continue to talk with us.
PTSD took my brother. It takes too many loved ones. I cannot understand why people do not do more to help, however they can. I wish I could say the words that would help alleviate even a little bit of what you're going through. The only thing I can think of is:
You are strong enough to live.
You are strong enough to get through this.
You are strong enough to become whole again.
Thanks for taking the time to read my post. I am glad that it has found its way to people that thing this type of thing matters.
I've lost too many friends because of it. A lot of family members are affected by it, but they don't know how to open up and tell anyone. It took me a good 6 months before I showed my wife this writing because I didn't want her to know how bad I had been suffering, but she knew I was being eaten up inside. My wife is awesome and has been by my side through almost 2 combat deployments, an overseas tour and time away from home totaling 6 years. I am doing a lot better than I was back when I originally wrote this though. I have found my calling in life, as it were. I made a feature length documentary film about the life of a Vietnam Veteran and his struggle with what he went through during the war and how it has affected his life after. I will be making a blog about that in the near future. His story is pretty incredible. He was a helicopter pilot and flew a mission to rescue a group of Marines and his helicopter took fire, killing every one board, but he still managed to rescue the Marines and fly out of there.
To be completely honest I've blocked most of my memories about the situation out of my mind. Maybe in self-defense. And have never really talked about it...at least not in a way that mattered. Opening up about that kind of pain, I don't think I've really ever done it. I mean, I've alluded to it, and written about a lot of other stuff, but that one event... It was when I did one of those smoke and hikes that my eyes were opened about how much I'd hid that pain, and the baggage that surrounded it. And realized that there were a lot like me, not only suffering from PTSD, but also the loss of loved ones due to it. The quick talk the veteran gave before we all got going pretty much ripped all the scabs I had over all the wounds. Strangely enough that was about the time I had just started writing on here. ...as luck would have it.
That's so cool that you did that. Making a documentary about another vet. Especially as a part of your own healing process. Just the ability to create, express feelings through things other than words, I don't know what I'd do without it. And I can imagine how it's helping you. Don't forget to leave links so that we can see this documentary if it's out somewhere :)
And, atheist as I am, god bless people like your wife and those who make the commitment to help, no matter how hard it gets, and to love you for you throughout the whole process :)
I know what you mean about suppressing the memories. There was a lot of stuff that I had chosen to force out of my mind that was unconsciously triggered when I got into law enforcement. Then when things got to their tipping point and I left law enforcement and sought help, all of those repressed memories started coming back to me during the process I had to go through with the VA.
I have started a veterans club at my school and one of the main things we do is offer support for each other, but the one downside we all face when we do that is every time one of us is going through a hard time and we open up about why, the other person takes on that burden as well and relives a lot of their memories while helping the other person. It's good that we are all there for each other and have a tight knit group.
Yeah, the opening up process is super hard because in order to do it, you have to accept other peoples burden as well. But that's the point of the group, spreading the weight out amongst all of you. You're not a single person when you're part of a community, especially when that means something like yours. The loads a lot lighter with more :) At least that's what I think.
The law enforcement thing...I imagine that was a complex mix of emotions. Familiarity, yet all the triggers. Then, no familiarity, but still the triggers...I'm really glad you found an outlet like you did, and had the strength to form that group. :)