Silence

Hello! I am Jorn, pleased to meet you!

A man with a big plastic smile stuck his hand out to shake mine and fixed me with a bright pair of squirrel-like eyes.

My work had introduced a new productivity booster. The Super Breakout sessions. A third party organisation had been brought in to supercharge our productivity. This involved a series of short fifteen minute positive-coaching sessions for everyone.

This was my first.

I shook Jorn's hand whilst making my patented, something smells like a lady-tramps minge around here face.

Please have a seat BoomDawg, it's ok if I call you BoomDawg isn't it, BoomDawg?

I sat in a different chair to the one he had pointed at and carried on looking at him with a witchy eye.

Yes, that's fine John. Thank you.

For the briefest of moments his insane toothy grin slipped slightly before tightening right back up to his forehead.

Ha, John. Yes, I get that all the time. It is Jorn though.

I put a finger to my chin and looked thoughtful.

Is it?

I asked as if perhaps it wasn't.

His smile slipped again.

Yes, of course. A little unusual I know but that's the name I was given!

I studied him and nodded slowly.

Ok then. Jorn it is.

Splendid!

Jorn sat in a chair across from me. I looked at the clock on the wall. Two minutes had passed. That was good. Thirteen minutes of this nonsense left.

He didn't speak.

Neither did I.

He looked slightly smug.

A minute passed. Neither of us had spoken. It seemed a bit weird to me but I was damned if I was going to let some mad highly-paid fanny of a consultant mess with my head.

Jorn crossed his legs. He seemed to be growing smugger and was nodding to himself slightly as if everything was going to plan.

I was getting bored, another minute passed.

Fuck this. I thought. I pulled out my phone and had a look at the latest seas of red in the cryptosphere.

Oh no, sorry, no phones please!

Jorn yelped.

He seemed a little put out. Grudgingly I put my phone away and stared angrily at his belly. I have found this a good technique to un-nerve a man.

Three minutes had passed when Jorn piped up.

Ok then! That was very good!

I didn't reply, just stared furiously at his belly.

What we were doing there was using silence. Learning not to be afraid of silence.

I couldn't help myself. I looked away from his belly and up to his face.

What?

Jorn spread his hands wide.

It is one of many techniques we will be going through in our Super Sessions. So many people are afraid of silence. They often feel the need to fill a gap in a conversation. But do you know how much can be gained by letting someone else speak? Letting them fill in the gaps and join the dots?

I looked at him in disgust. Was this for real? Had my workplace finally jumped the shark? This was beyond the pail.

He looked at me expectantly.

I stroked my chin and started staring at his belly again.

I do want you to feel comfortable in these sessions. This is a safe space. You can discuss anything here.

He said earnestly.

I snorted to myself. This is Glasgow you fucking buffoon, there are no safe spaces.

Alright then.

I said.

He looked a little anxious.

I hope that you have found this short taster useful? We are aiming over the next few sessions to equip you with the tools to make a positive difference in your work life and dare I say it? Beyond?

I lifted my gaze from his no doubt terrified by now belly and looked him straight in the eye. A million responses whipped through my head, most of them along the lines of asking him if he was a fucking loonball.

Instead I nodded and stood holding my hand out for another shake.

Oh yes, this is splendid! Thank you.

He stood and shook my hand enthusiastically.

That's great, see you at the next session!

I headed off, shaking my head like a diseased badger crawling into a bin to die.

'Learning not to be afraid of silence...'

What has become of the world!?!