Pumpur

Glasgow in Scotland can be a very amusing place. I experienced this first-hand today when I got the train home from work.

Warning, very fruity, earthy Glaswegian talk ahead!

It was very busy, I was squeezed in at a table seat with a couple of young lads opposite and an older lady beside me at the window. Given that it was a Friday, lots of people were drinking on the train. I don't know if this is a common thing in other countries but in Scotland it is considered quite the thing to get half-jaked when travelling by train.

Eventually the train closed it's doors and huffed off out the station. I pulled out my phone and set to some serious steeming.

As I was reading I couldn't help but overhear the conversation going on across from me. The two young scamps on the other side of the table were drinking some shitty lager and talking about laydeez.

The one directly across from me was becoming quite animated. He must have been about seventeen, he looked like a ferret with acne.

He said and I do apologise in advance for the foulness of the young scamps tongue... It was in very strong Glaswegian slang, I will do my best to translate.

See that wee burd ah wiz gettin aff wi?
_{*Translation: burd = lady and "getting aff with someone is to kiss them. What he was saying was "You know that delightful girl I was kissing with my face?"}

His friend drank some lager from his can and nodded, his eyes wide.

Ah ended up back at hers.

Did ye!

Exclaimed his little protege.

Aye man.

The ferret-face leaned back, looking smug as if he had swallowed a piece of coal and shat out a diamond.

His little compadre who had a pale doughy complexion reminiscent of porridge made with jizzum bunched forward in his seat, his voice squeaking up several octaves.

Did ye... did ye pumpur?
_{Translation: pumpur - actually two words, pump her. I believe the young firebrand was referring to the joyous and loving act of procreation}

Aye man. Totally pumped her.

Boasted ferret-face.

Spunky-Porridge-face jaw hung open in awe. His mind was racing by the looks of it.

How many times did ye pumpur man?

Ferret-face, looked confused for a moment.

Eh. hunners a times man. Pumped her hunners.
_{Translation: Hunners = hundreds. Somewhat implausible gambit from the young man. Could he be telling the truth?}

Hunners?

Said Spunky-Porridge-face. He looked a little crushed as if even he found this a little difficult to believe.

Ferret-face looked pained and his gaze darted about frantically as he looked to be racking his brains at a way of reclaiming his audience. Then, inspiration obviously hit and his grin slid back over his pinched little face.

Aye man. Everytime ah stopped she kept clawin at ma baws fur mare.

I let out a massive snort followed by a barking laugh.
_{Translation: clawin at ma baws = I believe what the young padawan meant was that the exotic young lady may have been, ahem, clawing at his testiculars. Yikes?!}

The Ferret-face went white and he scowled at me.

I made a mock scowly face back.

Fuck sake, cannae even talk tae yer pal withoot cunts listenin in.

He stated to his compadre with no small amount of macho posturing, which looks a little silly when you are sat in a chair, squeezed in at a table on a train.

I saw that it was my stop. Perhaps it was because he said the C U Next Tuesday part, or perhaps I was feeling a little playful? Whatever it was I couldn't help but laugh as I stood to get off and pointed at the ferret face.

No-one has ever clawed at your baws or let you pump them. You are a fucking liar and a virgin.

Spunky-Porridge-face burst out laughing at his friend and I walked off, to a chorus of abusive shouts about my maw, I laughed heartily, what a wonderful start to the weekend!

Happy Friday everyone!