Setting Healthy Boundaries

I was interested to find a growing theme in many of the comments from a recent article I wrote, Teach Your Kids They Have a Voice. Many readers highlighted how the concept of 'using your voice' to set boundaries stood out to them not only for their kids, but also for themselves. I thought it would be helpful to expand on this subject, and get into more depth around the topic of setting healthy boundaries.

Today I am going to discuss the importance of boundaries in our lives and cover some practical tools for taking control of our schedules.

 
Anyone who has traveled on an airplane has heard the stewardess give instructions on what to do if the plane experiences a sudden loss of cabin pressure,

"When the oxygen masks are lowered, place the mask over your nose and mouth and breath normally. If you are traveling with a child or someone who needs assistance first place the oxygen mask over your own nose and mouth before you assist others."

The friendly airline attendant has been sharing with us a profound truth. We can only provide value to others if we are fully alive.

When we speak up and use our voices to set healthy boundaries, we create an environment to cultivate health at every level of our being. Prioritizing our health does not take away from those around us. In fact, it benefits them. When we function at our best, we are able to give our best.

Many people struggle with feelings of guilt when they begin setting boundaries for the first time. I often hear people say, "It feels selfish to ask for what I need." But if we do not protect our best environment that keeps us thriving, we will not be able to invest in others with excellence.

Everyone has needs. This does not make us selfish, this makes us human. We all need rest, peace, respect, honor, time to ourselves, encouragement, safety, joy, love ... the list goes on. Some of us need more or less of certain things because we are all completely unique, but the fact that we all have needs is universal. Don't be afraid to speak up and set boundaries. Your voice matters.

Learning to Recognize Our Signals

Our most basic human needs have come with a very efficient and progressive natural alert system to let us know that these needs are being ignored. If we don't provide our bodies with enough water, for example, we begin to get small signals. At first our mouths get a little dry, or our throat begins to feel hot and parched. If we do not respond to these gentle signals in a productive way then our body moves on to more dramatic signals. A slight headache starts to creep in, we feel a bit sluggish, and our thoughts become more foggy. Eventually we might start to feel our muscles becoming tense or uncomfortable, possibly even a painful muscle spasm or cramp might creep up. If we still do not meet the need, we can set ourselves up for not only a dramatic signal, but a full stop.

This same progression of alarms and subsequent ‘symptoms’ happens to us when we are feeling lack in one of our mental or emotional needs. We struggle and often times shut down if we don't take the time to respond to the subtler signals of lack. It is very difficult to be the strong and caring people that we want to be for our families, friends and workplace, when we are running on empty. It is important to set healthy boundaries to protect ourselves from living in a perpetual state of lack.

We love people the best, when our tank is running on full.

Taking Control of Our Schedule

We are all asked to overextend ourselves on a regular basis. We're constantly invited to take on more responsibility, over book our time, our energy, our resources. All of our lives hold natural responsibilities that are non negotiable. We must rise to the occasion regardless of how they affect our schedules. But, there is usually a large list of things in our lives that are optional.

• Feed my children - Important
• Attend a work aquaintance's baby shower - Optional
• Pay my electric bill - Important
• Buy pricey dinner so we can go out with work friends - Optional
• Go to the hospital for your father's emergency surgery - Important
• Go to the hospital for your sister's elective surgery - Optional

These are some silly examples, but I would encourage you to pull out your schedule and make a real list of things that are taking up your time, attention, energy and budget this next month. Mark each one as Important or Optional.

As you look over the Optional list, take the time to ask yourself

Do I want to do this?
This should be the most obvious question in the world, but often we don't actually ask ourselves that. No one else but you, is responsible for your life. You are the only one who is going to carry your responsibilities. You are the only one who is going to live inside of your body. You are the only one who holds your role in your family. You are not responsible for the opinions of others.

Do I have time to do this?
If attending this event means you are going to be speeding across town, praying for every green light to pick up your kids from school within the acceptable 10 min late window, then you don't have time. If you are going to be late getting home to eat dinner with your family, and you might miss the tiny sliver of time that your oldest is actually chatty that day, you don't have time. If you are going to end up staying up way too late and being exhausted tomorrow during the presentation you know your boss is attending, you don't have time.

Do I have energy to do this in the midst of the other activities that day?
We each have only a certain amount of physical, mental, and emotional energy. These are resources that get depleted. They are not infinite. If going to this event means you will use all of your emotional energy to give counsel to a particularly dramatic friend, and you will be distant when your teenage daughter wants to talk to you later that evening, you do not have the energy available. If this one extra meeting at work is going to zap your last bit of mental energy, so when your wife is going over the plans for the bathroom remodel you are going to absent-mindedly grunt and nod, you do not have the energy available.

You are a valuable person. Your needs are important. Keeping yourself healthy mentally, physically and emotionally is important.

Take some time today to think about your needs.
Have you been sensing little alerts mentally or emotionally?
Do you have some area’s where a more intensive intervention is needed?

Understanding what your needs are and which one’s are not being met is the first step in starting to create a plan for setting healthy boundaries.