How I Hurt the Woman I Love - Part 4

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

Our Baby Girl

I felt extremely close to Karen at the hospital. Never have I seen someone be so strong through so much pain. She labored for hours with almost no progress, never giving up or getting frustrated about the process. She would not give up, and probably would have labored for hours more, but the doctor recommended a C-section and we decided to go for it.

She did great in surgery and gave birth to our beautiful baby girl, a Valentine’s day baby, Mila Claire. Afterwards she was hurting and exhausted from the surgery. I did what I could to be there for her, even crossing the line towards a more romantic role. I felt so close to her during labor and in the hospital. But at the same time I was texting my ex at night…

During those texts my ex said some really inappropriate things, like joking about us running off with the baby. I didn’t reprimand her or get angry at her for saying it, I just said something like “haha, no stealing babies” and shrugged it off like a regular joke while Karen was lying there recovering.

I kept up with this weird double life that I was trying to pull off even after we were out of the hospital. I was staying with Karen and the baby and still texting my ex. Karen must have noticed the weird amount of texting and shadiness that was going on, when I hopped in the shower one morning she looked through my phone and found out what I had been doing. I knew what I was doing was wrong, I had even changed the name of my ex in my phone because I knew I was being shady. She kicked me out of the apartment.

My whole family was in town, and my sister was about to come over and see the baby, and I was out. She didn’t want to see or talk to me til later that day, even with my sister going in and seeing the baby.

When we talked she told me that we could end it and just be co-parents, that if something was going on I should figure it out. She gave me another out, right then and there. But I didn’t take it, I could have taken a bit of time to get my head straight, to figure out what I wanted, but instead I told her that my feelings for her were real. That I wanted to try a relationship with her, that I felt a real connection with her. I told her that I didn’t actually want my ex, that there was no connection there, and that my true feelings were for her.

In the moment that’s what I felt. While I was waiting out in the parking lot I had thought about all the shit I had done in the past and realized I hadn’t been doing anything to help our relationship thrive in the past months. After seeing her in the delivery room and seeing how strong she was and feeling so close to her, I felt that connection we had and really noticed it. Deep down I knew there was nothing left between me and my ex. Amazingly, Karen forgave me and let me stay with her and the baby. But I just kept fucking up.

After staying with Karen for a few days she told me I should go home for a night and stay at my own house to get a good night’s sleep. I took her up on it as I’d been staying at the hospital and her place for the past week. That night I ended up inviting my ex over. I had the intention of calling things off so I could give this a real shot with Karen, to try to see if we could make it work and have a family. But while talking to my ex the doubt crept back in, I crazily thought Karen was manipulating me and trying to take advantage of me. I kissed my ex goodbye that night, having decided I would call things off with Karen.

I didn’t stop to think about Karen’s feelings, about how awful I was treating her by saying I wanted to try things, that my feelings for her were real, then jumping right to breaking up with her just days later. I wrote her a letter at work. In it I said I didn’t want a relationship but that I really hoped we could be friends and co-parent. I was so blind to the huge amount of my own shit, the unkind actions, the off and on love and affection, all the BS she had been putting up with through these weeks and months.

I got to Karen’s and was acting kind of stand-offish, her mom and friend were there and I didn’t know what to say or do if I was about to try to end things. She could tell something was off and said we should leave so we didn’t have to talk in front of Mila, she didn’t want to fight in front of her. We started towards my house, and on the way I told her that I couldn’t do it, that I still had feelings for my ex that I wanted to pursue. I was bawling and pretty unintelligible. All she really made out from it was that I wanted to be done, and that I still loved my ex and wanted to pursue her, even though she was moving out of state in a few short months. Obviously, she did not take this well, I had just told her the exact opposite a few days earlier. I had told her I wouldn’t see my ex anymore and the day I got back to my place I had ended up talking to her. She got very upset and angry, asking me why. Eventually she went quiet.

We got to my place and she went and grabbed some of her stuff. I followed her and kept trying to talk to her. Eventually she blew up and punched me a several times. While I don’t think violence was the right response here, looking back I really understand it. Her hormones were raging from just having given birth a week earlier and here I was, douchebag baby daddy, telling her the opposite of what I had earlier that week, that I was still in love with my ex. Instead of letting it slide and looking at myself and what I was doing, I called my mom, who told me I needed to call the cops.

During the interview I told the cop about what had happened, and when I described her to him I told him she was heavy. We started laughing and he asked if it was just from the pregnancy. I told him that she had always been heavy. I don’t know what I was thinking when I said this, Karen had never been a “heavy” person since I had known her, she didn’t even look like she was pregnant until she was 6 or 7 months into the pregnancy. But those are the words I said.

I didn’t think they would take her in, but apparently they do for all domestic violence cases, so she went to jail for a night. That meant our baby didn’t have her mama or dad at less than two-weeks old. I felt so awful that night, I told myself I didn’t do anything to deserve getting beat on, but man did I feel awful about the whole situation. Deep down I knew I wasn’t in the right, that I had hurt her deeply enough to cause her to attack me. I had betrayed her trust after she had given me an out, after she had accepted me despite my sleazy behavior.

So, at one week postpartum she went to jail, away from our newborn daughter for the night. Those actions and words really hurt her, missing our baby really hurt her. And our daughter was traumatized from it as well, spending the night crying. She didn’t eat or go to the bathroom all night long and her skin was completely yellowed over with jaundice after it had just recently cleared up the day before.

They released her and we briefly texted, she was short but polite, and had no problems with me seeing Mila still. It should have been a wake-up call for me, but I still didn’t look at things closely. I had acted like an idiot and gone back on my word. Eventually, Karen saw the video the cop took while interviewing me when I said that she was heavy. She must have wondered what I was talking about when my ex was heavier than her by far. I know that hurt her deeply, I know it made her feel self conscious and made her question my attraction to her. By her one month check-up, she was unhealthily back down to her pre-pregnancy weight, and it’s something that she still struggles with.

Things were pretty good during our visits after that. Karen was very kind to me, despite my actions and the events. She still let me see Mila and be with her for a few hours a day. There was definitely some tension and we always had other people there, but I felt pretty lucky in that regard.

A week after our fight I convinced Karen to come back to my place to check on Lola with me. I told her that I wanted her, she asked me about my ex. I told her that we tried, but it just wasn’t there, it wasn’t working and I knew it. She asked me if it was there with her, I told her I honestly thought it was. We slept together. The next day I told her “I know you’re a really great person, but I don’t necessarily want to be with you”. I flip flopped again, giving her love and then taking it away, just like that.

I saw my ex a few more times during this period. About a month after the big fight, I tried having a date with her. We went to her house and had a pizza, smoked, and had sex. It left me feeling really empty and reminded me there was no connection. I decided to stop actively trying to see her and tried avoiding making plans with her.

I kept visiting Karen and my daughter and things were much better between us. One day I was feeling really sick with a stomach bug or food poisoning and Karen was so good to me. She brought Mila over and took care of me. We ended up snuggling and sleeping together, again. I was feeling a lot better about things with her.

Then, a few days later I was at my friend’s house and he wanted to invite my ex over. I told him I didn’t want him to but he did anyways. We all hung out and it was really awkward to me, I didn’t want her there. When we went to leave she kissed me in the parking lot. I didn’t want to kiss her, but I didn’t stop her or turn away, I just kind of let it happen. I should have told her then and there that I didn’t think things were working and I didn’t want to see her anymore.

Karen and I were back to the type of relationship we had during the pregnancy, I still wasn’t fully committing to her even though I clearly had feelings for her. Then she told me she wanted to keep things professional, she said that she hadn’t felt strong enough to stand up for herself in the past, that she should have set an ultimatum to either date her or have us be strictly co-parents, but now she couldn’t keep going on like this. She said she wanted to have strict visit times and keep our relationship as professional as possible. I took it as a sign that she wanted to be done and a sign that I should really figure myself out.

A few nights later my ex called me. I was stoned, so I invited her over and we had sex again. It was the kind where I didn’t really want to because of the previous encounters with her, but I just let it happen. It was the closest thing to a wake up call I could get. It left me feeling disgusted with myself. I couldn’t even hold my word to myself, that I would stop seeing her. I couldn’t even listen to my own feelings, feelings that clearly told me there was nothing there. I just kept changing my mind and breaking my own promises.

In the days that followed I knew that I wasn’t mistaken about my feelings towards these two girls. One I had built up in my mind but just wasn’t there, and with Karen I had tried to convince myself that our connection was bad, but it had become apparent in the previous weeks that I still felt a strong pull towards her.

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Last part of this will be out tomorrow, for anyone still reading: thanks, I know it isn't a feel good story or uplifting, bt hopefully you get something out of it and can learn from my mistakes somehow.

@jakeybrown