Troubled Times

In our own minds, we at times are our own worst enemies. We fight a constant battle of what is the right thing and what is the best thing to do. At times the best and right thing is not always what we need to do.

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I live in a place where it is very difficult to function as a normal person. There is no family, there are no friends. There is myself, a husband, and child. We make the best of what we have. They say each place is what you make it but there is no making this place any better for the 3 of us. The only thing that will make it better is to leave.

Leave the place that has destroyed who I am as a person. Leave the place that has changed my husband into an even quieter person who reflects on his own thoughts. Leave the place that has gotten me to seek out someone to talk to because all it felt like I did was complain about where I am, while filling me with this uncontrolled hatred.

The thought of leaving is very exciting for me. It is a way to get back all of the things that I have lost since being where I am. There is very little help with the basic of things that are taken for granted by some. Going to get groceries or having your car maintenance done is so simply but not for me. This place is a beautiful location, but full of people who are so segregated in their own world that if you are not like them, you mean nothing. Over time this changes you as a person.

Being an extrovert I find this very difficult. I like to be surrounded by people. Hosting dinners and enjoying people for who they are is what I like to do. But then I remember I am here, and no matter how hard I try my personality is not received very well here.

My personality is very much straight up. I speak my mind and say what I think. When I am wrong, I will admit it. Those who know me like this part of me. I am not one to get along with everyone because I have such a strong personality. Because my personality is strong, and I know it, I always give people a few tries before I know we will not mix well together. After that, I just accept that it was not meant to be and move on. Maybe this is why my friend circle is so small here. But I have no issues making friends outside of where I live.

In my troubled mind I still fight to see the good. The bad will always outweigh it while I am here, but I know that in the future things will be better. I know that I will find my way back to who I am because I am still me when I am not here.