Life, Introvert-ness, That feeling

You know that feeling. Which follows you like a shadow. Only, its inside you. Heart is the core and everywhere else, even outside your body, is an air. This feeling surrounds you. Like a poison. And not just for you, even for the people around you. It’s like even if someone wants to help you get over it, they must step in that poison. Which makes them back off.

No, this feeling is not depression. Its loneliness.

At least, when you tell people you have depression. They try to understand.

Loneliness…on the hand just cannot be put into words. Only those who have truly felt it, knows it. Loneliness is not depression. It does not encourage suicide. It’s worse in a way.

Have you ever gone to a party? Yes? But, really? Attending a party and being in a party are two different things. For an introvert like me, that’s THE difference.
People are laughing, dancing, talking about themselves, reminiscing about a story, an experience, a holiday.

.

And there I am- saying the right words at the right time, laughing at the right moment. Fitting in perfectly.

The inspiration of this perfection is loneliness.

Years later, someone notices that I don’t talk much. Someone says, oh you are an introvert? Suddenly…it’s cool to be an introvert. And people brag about a poem they wrote, something they thought, gets recognition as an introvert. Oh wow… introverts are poets, writers, singers, an artist. They are IT.

Well, it’s clear. I am not an introvert. Oh, I do write poems, I sing ok. But nobody is interested in what I have, can do, or say. It’s not like I haven’t tried. I tried. I am just not good enough at expressing myself. I am awkward. Nervous. And people simply make fun of me, or worse, dismiss me. Its only after many humiliations that I realize I should shut up. I am good at fitting in. My opinions will only earn me a laugh, on myself. That’s the truth. I have accepted it. And I am good with my acceptance.

But.

When I am in group, somebody is saying something stupid, there are murmurs of agreement. I have a better point and I know, that everyone will agree with me too. But experience tells me to shut up. I agree with a smile, heavy heart, and a yes.

That yes- at a party, not at home, with people around me, with me included in a conversation, my views being not dismissed, not at night, at daylight- that Yes- grows in me like night rising from the core of my heart, surrounding me, brings that feeling.

You know that feeling.