An Explanation For My Absence Recently

Good day fellow Steemians! I hope you all are having a wonderful day. I wanted to take a few minutes to explain why I have been absent for the past week.

This all starts about a month ago, maybe five weeks. The job I've had these last five years had hit a slow period, and took a turn for the worst. I drove a truck, called a roll off which is about the size of a dumptruck. My job was to go to a job site, usually someone's personal address, then leave the container, my truck is designed to carry. Whenever the customer finished, I would come back to pick it up. Majority of our work came from roofing companies in the Tampa area, though we would get an occasional private homeowner or small business owner who needed a container to clear out an old house or something. I then would carry the container to the appropriate dumping location and repeated the process to wherever the next address was.

Image of the roll off truck as I leave a container at a job site

This particular roofing company, who had been using our services for close to a year, had a few abnormally slow weeks in a row, so I worked minimally or went without working entirely for a couple weeks. Then the following week, this same roofing company would NOT answer my phone calls or reply to my texts all week. My boss also tried calling and texting with the same outcome. When the next week rolled around, my boss receives a letter in the mail telling us, the roofing company has decided to contract another company for their work. That took away 75 percent of my hours, if not more. I had to find some form of income, so after a few weeks of trying to find just day labor to supplement, my boss and I had a rather large disagreement. It got heated, and instead of us continually arguing like that, we agreed to part ways amicably to preserve our friendship.

The following week, I moved from where I was staying. I had no form of income, so I couldn't pay rent. The self destructive mentality had already started, taunting me and my abilities. I couldn't even keep a job to pay the necessities, how could I possibly uplift anyone, when all I can contribute are burdens to weigh everyone else down. Before the rent could became an issue, I decided to just go ahead and move. I called a friend, on accident actually, after talking awhile I explained my situation to her and she kindly offered me the couch. I couldn't pass up a couch, or a meal, when it's offered because, who know where our next will come from.

So I move, and come to find out, my friend actually had a small room I'm getting to use. It's not as loud or hectic as I first thought it would be, because there are five of us living here now. Over the weekend, I spent too much time alone, locking inside my head. I was thinking and wondering what I was going to do next. In my past, these periods of extended self reflection only cause more problems, sinking me into a deep depression. Those good intentions of trying to think ahead and plan a few things, backfired allowing that ever present monster peaking over my shoulder, a clear route in. When it gets inside, it will stop at nothing to destroy everything. I questioned my actions, I questioned my choices, I berated every aspect about myself, I questioned my own self worth, and I question my potential and usefulness. It's a downwards spiral that usually ends with a question similar to whats the point? Whether I'm here or not, how is it affecting anyone? Is it considered a positive or negative influence? With everything that had been happening, it's nearly impossible to see positivity, especially any that I could possibly be causing.. I only deal in hurt, pain, and negativity.

I got a call Sunday, pausing the tornado going on inside my head. My friend says if I can be ready Monday morning, I could ride with him to work. He said we would talk to guy he had just started working for. Last my friend knew, he was in need of a few more guys. I struggled and I fought, but in the end I couldn't pass the opportunity for work, so I was up at 4:30 the next morning to walk the five miles to make sure I would be on time.

That morning I met Phillip. He's British and spent most his American life in Seattle Washington. I was in luck, because he was still looking for some help. Worse came to worse, I was going to get at least a single day of work. That day at work was great. It's been years since I ran a chainsaw and didn't realize how much I missed it. I actually consider myself lucky, also. We took an entire tree down on Monday, and the boss Phil, cut 90 percent of the tree from the bucket on the truck, while we cleaned the ground. The stump was roughly 6 feet in diameter. My outstretched arms were not able to reach completely across the stump. Watching Phil cut this tree down was a pleasure. We were in a front yard with this tree that had thick branches stretched out over the house. Not only that there were power lines running on three sides with the house as the fourth. He made every piece he cut go exactly where he wanted it to from 60 feet in the air. That is a level of talent that only comes with experience and knowledge. At 65, with most time spent in Washington State cutting trees sizes of which I can only imagine, it just shows the vast amount of intelligence he possesses. I hope to learn anything and everything I can.

Image from the bucket about 60 feet up

Another awesome part was being back outside, in the Florida sun. When I go home, I can feel the long day in my body, but also step back and admire what all we accomplished. It's been far too long, but I feel proud of myself again. Before leaving Monday, the owner asks me if I would like to keep working for him as a groundsman and CDL driver. I didn't hesitate taking the opportunity.

I had need of a ride the next day for the obvious financial reasons, and also they didn't work my friend who took me down there the first day. Eventually, I was able to find someone who could take me. That day I was put in the truck and sent on my way. So off I went to the dump then to the job site. The next morning was the same routine. Meet at the owner's house where we load the truck with all the tools we will need. He then drops me off at the bucket truck. I usually start my route by going to the dump, then head to the first job site, then a second if there is one, and possibly a third. End the day by heading back to the shop, load up all the tools, then take them to back to the owner's house, and unload it all. Repeat the next morning.

This has been my first week, and I can't help but feel that I was on the brink of just giving up on everything, when a little light started to barely break through. I decided to fight for once, and forced myself to push through it. Because I chose to handle things the correct way this time, I feel like I was almost rewarded for it. The owner has already put enough trust in me to leave when their part is finished to get a jump on the next job, while another guy and myself finish the clean up. I walk the customer around their place making sure it's satisfactory then collect payment. Today's job was 1480.00 dollars. That's not astronomical, but for a working man who survives week to week, that is a huge number.

So yeah, thats basically it. I've went from losing the job I dreaded to get up for every morning, that worked me seven days a week, that had no real direction or future, that I've wasted five years working to gain nothing, to being surprised by gaining a job that pays better, weekends off, paid daily($160 daily/800 week), a boss who is just an overflow of knowledge and wisdom, but also understands I have no experience in this career field, but I can and am willing to learn anything given the opportunity, and finally, he and his wife both seem to be genuinely kind and friendly people.

Life seems to have the tendency to throw us all curve balls at times. It's a rollercoaster ride of positive and negative events that we learn from, that shape our lives. I was becoming intimate with the deepest darkest reaches of that pit of depression, but a glimmer of hope creeped in. Not one to be the strongest of wills, I'm proud of myself for not giving into that temptation. I balanced on the edge, until finally deciding to pick myself back up. That one little decision has now opened new possibilities and opportunities that I had never expected. This whole situation has served as a reminder, that among all the chaos of life we have to endure, tomorrow is always a new day. We just have to take what we learned from this day, and carry it over to the next. Our paths aren't drawn out for us, so tomorrow is always a mystery. It's a mystery we all need to embrace, because tomorrow is our future, yesterday the past, and the future is where we heading. The future is what we are working towards and trying to create.

Here's a few pictures from the bucket truck drive.

Image of side of the truck I drive with wood chipper I pull to job sites

Image from bucket about 60 feet high

Image of a different direction from the bucket about 60 feet high

I hope I was able to express some of the feelings and emotions that factor into my depression. The self destructive nature of my mentality is detrimental to my being. It's hard to explain to most people, but working is one of my ways of coping with the depression. It keeps my mind destracted and focused on something more important than my own mistakes and shortcomings. Excessive working causes problems too though, because on the rare chance I find myself in a situation like this one I have no one I can turn to for possible help. Relationships and bonds haven't been made with anyone. I'm almost literally completely alone, or so it feels. To be clear, that's not the point though, the point is to not allow the darkness to take hold. We may be at the end of what we think we are capable of handling, but don't give up. You never know when that faintest of lights will come and flip everything upside down in your life. Even a small decision that seems non consequential has the potential to open a vast amount of possibilities. Keep fighting, never give up. Let's do each other a favor, I'll remind you and you remind me?

Hope this helps someone one day. Thank you all for your time in reading.

-Bran the Builder