confused

heads up

This post is not my usual kind of post, but I felt that I needed to get these feelings out of myself somewhere.

Alright, onwards to the post...

Hello again,
How are you doing? Good. How are you really doing? ...

It tends to be the second question which is missed all too often.

Why did I, out of all the places, bring it up here? Simple, really. I don't know the answer to the second question anymore. I feel betrayed by my own mind, I've given it all it has asked for and yet I still can't get any answers.

Recently my life has been everything I used to dream of — I get to travel, meet new people, work with people I care about, change people's lives (or create impact, whatever that means), and make money on the side to support myself.

You'd think I'd be happy, I did too.

I was wrong.

You wouldn't know I'm unhappy from the outside — I will tell you (steemit included, until now) all about how amazing my year has been, about everything I've learned, taught and experienced. I would leave one part out; I'm not happy.

"Sounds like depression."

"No."

I got the diagnosis at a point when I was really there. I'm not there, I'm nowhere. I took my pills, they worked. Really well.

not all is lost

I do have some ideas though on why how I got to this state. It's not rocket science, after all. I think the answer lies in the fundamental potential difference between where I am and where I want to be.

Let me explain.

I'm an independent person, I don't like authority (different from leadership) and I'm currently placed under a person — my mom — who gets in the way of me being and becoming more independent. I have been here for 19 years and I'm so sick of it.

All my life, my mom has been overly worried about how I'm doing in school and ... wait, yep that's it. Not how I'm doing with what I love doing besides school, just how I'm doing in school. The result of this kind of behaviour is me not being able to talk with the person closest to me about what I truly care about.
About the sparks which light the fire inside my young soul.

Let me rephrase that last bit.

I am not talking to the person closest to me about the subjects and activities I am most passionate about.

That's fucked up.

I don't mean to put my mom down overall. She has given me numerous opportunities, has enabled me to do great things and, in an extremely limited sense, be young and dumb. And that's great.
However, I will never forget the feeling of your closest person not even pretending to care about what you are passionate about. It's a unique emotion that you can not explain.

I strongly believe that while I might not know what specifically is causing the storm of feelings in my head right now, I do think I know what led to my mind being in this state. The lack of affection from those who should care.

the takeaway

To all the future parents out there:

Let your child explore, experiment and be independent.

However, please don't forget your role in the child's life. You are supposed to be supportive (not controlling).

You don't need to know everything about what your child does, but what really matters is that you at least attempt to care. Human connections are vital for development and as a parent, you are the #1 source of that connection for a young child.

Here's one sentence to pull all my feelings together regarding my childhood:

Please, take the time to care.