Bark! And bark loud!
It all the sudden came to me that I might be a little metal object. I might think of myself as a breathing, thinking, live being. I might think of myself with a whole life based on my birth, my family of origin and of course my gender.
Although I just think I throw that in there to be ornery. I once had a massive argument with a friend as to the meaning of ornery. She thought it meant nasty, objectionable mean, I thought of it as playfully bad. I mean there could be more disturbing reasons for our differing views but in the end we were both right.
Gender seems to really spark up a conversation in the way I like being an ornery person. I am not mean, I do not like to make a fuss for no reason. However I cannot, even when I try, allow someone to unknowingly hold outdated ideas without peeling a few layers. Sometimes I am kind and just nibble at the edges of their unthinking bond with the ideas of the day. I nibble and nibble until there is nothing left of the outrageous bullshit they have accidentally swallowed or they are not speaking to me.
I did not choose my ornery disposition, and I get into all kinds of social trouble if I am too much myself. Recently I was told to find the things that make my heart happy. While being ornery seems to cause a lot of discord in my life, I cannot even imagine being part of the status quo. Adopting the ideas that are handed to me by the media and popular culture. I mean things get popular sometimes because they are interesting and talented or useful, so I am now questioning my need to dig under the hype and see if there is substance. What the fuck is substance anyway.
Which is besides the point, the point is I might be the metal dog in a monopoly game. We all might be a more developed character in some game. Maybe our bored ass souls sit around and create games for the fun of it. Games that have winners and losers, lairs and honest players. The honest people think they are better then the filthy liars but who really knows.
I mean if you think about your life, you think about the ups and downs and the crazy shit that goes on it seems more and more like a game. Vadimire is going to give his friend a buck if you lose and Vladimir is going to win a buck if you win. The secret is to outsmart both of them. (Eddie Murphy, Dan Akkroid and Jamie Lee Curtis movie)
As the players in these more complicated and artistic game, it seems so shameful and completely ill advised to completely change the we versus them scenario. It is such a beautiful concept. That has been around for ever. I mean what if I was to realize my biggest nemesis was actually my best ally to do anything other than fight, win, lose ?
It is easy to think about in an abstract way, however think about the person you most dislike. The person who examplifies everything you hate. Or someone who has tortured you accidentally or on purpose. What if you had to partner with them to change the rules of the game.
In my own life I have a person who has tortured me in indescribably ways. Often I am not sure they meant to but somehow I allowed them to rob me of my self confidence. Or I gave it to them out of fear. However truthfully if I were to look at this person I am not sure who hurt who more. Or where this game of cat and mouse began or ends.
As Buddhists and supposedly peaceful people would say to forgive these people is to forgive yourself. I believe this and yet I cannot for the life of me forgive this person one more time. So I somehow realize it is a game and to forgive them is possibly a more peaceful route but to join them is to change the game forever.
For many many years I forgave, I gave pity for their complete lack of compassion until I asked for a restart. I asked if we could work to overcome our game of cat and mouse. They spit in my face, metaphorically speaking. So now I either have to forgive a disrespectful person or cut them out of my life.
While cutting someone out of my life is probably best for both of us, there is this part of me that wants to forgive. There is this ridiculous part that wants to believe that this person wants to like me. Bullshit. Believe me when I say I tried for 40 years. I am a stubborn optimist and idiot. There is no way this person in this lifetime can ever respect me, it would kill them almost as fast as hating me.
I must admit this person does not even realize they hate me. They have for so long done everything in their power to put me down, they dont even recognize they do it. The people around us are so use to this behavior, they can't at this point actually stand up and face the wrath of this person.
At some point I thought they could, but I now see that this person for whatever reason cannot not belittle me. If they had to face their actions for the past 40 years they would melt like the wicked witch of the west. This person is not a bad person, they just have this hatred for me. I take half the blame for this position. If I had stood my ground 10, 20 or maybe even 30 years ago they might have had a chance to forgive themselves, but now the nicest thing I can do is hate them back.
My advise to any nice person is stop being a doormat. If you love the person who is being shitty, stand up and tell them off. If you are really a kind person do not allow anyone to treat you like shit. Even if everyone around you acts like it is fine if you feel shitty say something. Be brave my nice nice friend or you are 50% creator of a fucked up relationship. I learned this the hard way. Wake up even if you are the metal dog in a Monopoly game. Bark! and bark loud!