Morning Fear

Every morning is very similar. I wake up 15 minutes before my alarm is set to shake my phone against a wooden tray that sits across my bedroom. I keep it set to vibrate because anything louder than rattling might wake my wife who sleeps next to me. It's a courtesy that I don't tell her is hurting me.

I wake up early because I'm nervous I won't hear my phone. My brain fears that I will oversleep. It has set an internal alarm to snap me out of sleep, just in case. That fear sits with me through the rest of the day. It has no use as a protection from a late start to the day once I'm awake, so it snakes through my thoughts looking to transform into something else.

A louder chime or music would give me confidence that I would wake. Fear would not be the first thing I feel. To be startled is refreshing. To fear is to wear a weight on my soul.