In the face of shame, therapy saved me

One of the hardest things I had to face was admitting I needed help. However, it is something that has made me realize a lot of things.

After a few months
My last psychotherapy session was on July 26. I had been wanting to go back but I always find excuses not to. Until today wherein I have to actually face the shame of not showing up after a while.

I was not excited about it. Scratch that. I really wished I did not have to do it. I was actually so close to just pretending I am attending my therapy instead of actually going.

But in the end, it seems like a part of me does want to get better. So, I messaged the clinic asking for my psychologist's availability. I was informed that his schedule for 7 pm today was available. So, I decided to pay for the consultation before I changed my mind.

A few hours before
I used to prepare for the consultation. I had a document wherein I would jot down my thoughts and feelings, trying to decide what I want to discuss with my psychologist. I would also hype myself up so that I will be able to present a good version of myself.

But today, I did not do any preparation at all. It was not due to not feeling nervous at all. It was more of the fact that I did not want to go.

I actually did not know how to face him after not going to therapy for months and showing up with the news that I tried to end it all.

I was afraid that I would feel more disappointed with myself.

So, I tried to ignore the hours leading up to 7 pm.

I was so intent on ignoring the time that I was actually able to do some activities related to academics. I was surprised to see just how much work I can do when I try to distract myself. I honestly have forgotten how responsible I could be when I wanted to be.

Still, despite my new-found productivity, the time that I am trying to ignore has come