This is why we don't apologise

When we’re kids, we learn to apologize when we do something wrong, but once we grow up it becomes harder to admit if we’ve done something wrong.

I’m sure that at some point someone did something to you and hurt you, but instead of apologizing, that person used techniques to avoid admitting that he/she has done something wrong.

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Do you ever wonder why your partner can say “I’m sorry” when accidentally hitting someone in a bus, but can’t apologize to you?

When you refuse to apologize it’s not about your ego, it’s about protecting yourself. Adults don’t apologize because the words “I’m sorry” cause them certain fears that they want to avoid. Here’s how it works.

Admitting mistakes.

Adults can’t make the difference between a wrong action and their own character.

They tend to believe that neglecting means selfishness, or that doing a bad thing means ignorance.

That’s why apologies become a threat to their own self-esteem.

Guilt.

Most of us don’t apologize because we’re afraid of the sentiment of guilt.

We believe that feeling guilty isn’t about our actions, it’s about ourselves, which makes it a toxic feeling, but it’s not true.

If we’ve done something wrong, that doesn’t define us.

Conflict.

If normally apologies end conflicts, some might believe that admitting a mistake can lead to a bigger fight.

Responsibility.

One of the reasons we refuse to apologize is that we’re afraid that we would have to take all of the responsibility on ourselves.

For example, even if we realize what we’ve done wrong, in a fight with a partner we won’t say “I’m sorry” because we don’t want to be considered guilty for everything, when the partner has also done something wrong.

Adults don’t apologize because that’s what makes them feel like they can control their emotions.

If they like to keep an emotional distance towards their partner, apologizing would mean to become vulnerable, saying “I’m sorry” would bring them closer to the partner and that scares them.

What they don’t know is that an experience like that will help them make the relationship stronger, and it will increase their trust in their partner and themselves.