Dear Joan letters - Part 1

Dear Joan,

After the ordeal that happened Saturday morning, I felt it would be helpful to organize my thoughts by writing my experience down and then sharing it on Facebook. I did feel some relief and it was validating to have people read my story and make their own comment about it but... I noticed after a few hours of posting, I found myself signing in more and more, subtly becoming obsessed with how many Likes, and how many comments I've received. It was clear that my initial intent of "organizing my thoughts" and "feeling relief from sharing a personal story" was being thwarted with a more superficial gratification: being heard by people on social media and needing it to be satisfied. It didn't matter that I had X amount of likes and comments, it was never enough. "Shouldn't more people be concerned with me?" I thoughtlessly thought. And that's when my self-revolve kicked in and I stopped: "This is the part where you walk away and not get sucked in."

I said out loud to Thomas. "I think I might have to get off Facebook." He asked why and I told him. And then we both decided that for my mom's sake, I'll probably just stay on but that I need to practice control and discipline...
"I can completely relate to everything you said." Thomas told me. "I posted something too and it's a little disheartening to have only a few people acknowledge it too."

That reminded me,... Joan, Saturday morning during the bomb scare, I called my sister and my brother. Later on the day, I was text messaging you, Ofelia, Ryan, and Sarah. My mom called me as well to make sure I was okay. Kevin also called a few times throughout the day to check in on us. Not once did Thomas get a text or a phone call. Not once did he even call anyone or text anyone either. ---Here I was complaining about not getting enough Likes on Facebook, when ---When we all thought we had 15 minutes left to live, Thomas never spoke to anyone in his family. I think saying he can relate to me was both an under and overstatement. I was definitely humbled and saddened for him. And I saw that I needed to be more keen with how he could be feeling through it all because I can too easily get wrapped up in my own bubble. I need to be sensitive and intentionally grateful for what I have because many people don't know what it's like to have the same kind of support from people like you. I love Thomas so much and I'd say he's become one of my best friends. In my final thoughts pending the bomb scare, I did feel grateful that I was spending it with him.

Last night, I decided to invite Alfred (my neighbor who lives downstairs) over for snacks and conversation. I wanted to thank him for being that guy who Thomas and I turned to in the mist of the bomb scare chaos. When Alfred came over, to my dismay, we ended up getting into a heated conversation about --- of course --- politics. I mentioned to him that there were signs that indicated the alert was sent in error. There was nothing on the radio and there was nothing on the news. The nuclear sirens we've been testing also didn't go off. I told Alfred that the reason why this alert was so believable, despite those signs, was that tensions have been rising between the U.S. and North Korea. I said that the president has been bantering and provoking it by talks of whose nuclear button is bigger. I then said that Trump was golfing during this time of despair for us and then when the White House released a statement about the event, it was something along the lines of, "That's on you." It was so dismissive and detached. At a time when you're feeling vulnerable and eager for reassurance, it's only natural to look to your leader. I believe a real leader assures and directs. A leader teaches and uplifts. I wanted our current leader to speak words of empathy and constructive action. Instead, it was clear that we have a man who cares for no one but himself, a man self-involved and lacking of intellectual substance. I do not feel safe knowing he represents me and our country, especially during our blurred lines of peace and war.

That's when Alfred said I needed knowledge. He said that I can't place blame on the president when he has nothing to do with this. He said I can't feel this way and need to change.
I was livid. How dare he speak at me. Who was he to say I needed knowledge or that I needed to feel a certain way. Alfred went on to say that I need to know that it was the State's mistake and I need to be focused on that, over anything happening federally. "You start at bottom with that guy but what you did is skip all to the big guy, the president who has nothing to do with it."
God, I was so heated, I could barely control myself. What small thinking, I thought. It's important to step back and look at the bigger picture. He's our president and he represents us and his statement was not representative with how we were all feeling Saturday morning. And, as a U.S. citizen, I have the right to hold high standards for the leader of this country. I woke up feeling heavy and it was definitely not how I intended to spend my Sunday night with the man I originally invited over to thank! My mind is a bit flustered and I do hope in due time, it settles into some peace.

**
Love you,
Liv

Takeaway: Thank God for down-ass friends to talk life and love and peace with.