Dan AE (After Employment) Journal - Day 7: Comfortably Numb
It's now been a week since I've joined the ever growing ranks of the unemployed. I can already feel the early stages of pressure mounting, to find something, anything that brings in a regular paycheque. It's only been a week. That's still early, taking some time to readjust. 2 weeks, I'm making inroads, following up on loads A month, questions may form, but no reason to start worrying just yet. 2-3 months without another job, people start wondering what's wrong with you. What you're not working.
For the last several years at my last job, I had become comfortably numb. I felt like I was in an endless loop, unable to get out. Every week was the same and I was unable to really be effective at what I was doing. I wasn't learning anything new. I thought that surely if I simply soldiered on, I would eventually find a way to turn it all around. It was a great job on paper, surely if I wasn't happy with what I did there was something wrong with my attitude or perspective. I felt that surely it could be salvaged, or maybe it was that I just didn't want to admit defeat, that I couldn't cut it. I remember having fantasies, actual fantasies about getting fired. When my boss would call me into a surprise meeting, I would walk down the hall with intense feelings of dread mixed with excitement. 'Imagine all of the things you'd be able to do if tomorrow you didn't have to come here?' That thought was quickly replaced by wondering about how I would be paying my mortgage, but then getting excited again about another new project I'd be able to start or something new to learn.
With a week now behind me, today I started turning my attention to the job boards. It was exactly as I feared. There are a lot of positions out there, but none worth getting excited about. Just different flavours of the same thing I've been doing. If there is one thing that I've learned throughout this process, it's that if I don't want to get out of bed for a job on day 1, I won't be any more enthusiastic on day 100 or day 365. So we're back to the simple choice really:
The irresponsibly choice: The ideas that filled me with excitement as I walked down the hall on the chance I would be fired, the youthful exuberance of having the freedom to pursue anything I wanted and being able to look forward to progressing more each day. Arguably the selfish choice. The choice that does not guarantee my family any kind of stability, a roof, an education for my kids, or a retirement.
The responsible choice: Finding another version of what I just left. Having met up with a few former colleagues today over lunch, various options and leads were flowing. If I committed myself to it whole heartedly pursuing them, there would be a way to find another job relatively quickly if I has absolutely no preference for what the job was or what the company did. Isn't that how the capitalism in a nutshell? The quality of a particular choice can be quantified at any given time by how much money is generated as a result of that choice, even if it feels like death? What other consideration is there?
I've made the responsible choice my entire career. Putting off what I've wanted to do for what was best at paying the bills. Holding up a mirror to myself 10 or 20 years on, I don't like the person I see. An empty shell of a person who exists only superficially and doesn't stand for anything. Perhaps there is only one question worth asking when deciding the next phase of my career: What makes you excited to get out of bed in the morning?