Dan AE (After Employment) Journal - Day 24: Tarzan

in #journal4 years ago

I used to imagine opportunities in life were like tree vines hanging high up from the sky. You push off strong enough from the tree and swing as far out as you can, until the vine reaches it's limit as you near other possible vines you can grab hold of that will continue to swing you onwards in one of several possible directions if you are nimble enough to grab it in time. Of course if you wait too long to make up your mind, the vine you are on will either break or start swinging backwards in the direction you came from, until inevitably your initial momentum will dwindle and you are left hanging motionless, trying futily to sway your body back and forth to generate enough motion to come within reach of one of the other vines. If one was also skilled enough, you may have learned how to grab and to hold on to multiple vines at once, that way in the event that one ends up being weak and breaks, you would not plummet to your doom.
I would always picture Tarzan expertly swinging from tree to tree, grabbing the next vine at precisely the right moment so that the next swing is faster and stronger than the last. I was always careful to have a firm grip on one or more vines before letting go of the last one, and to never put myself in a position where I was dependant on a single vine. Alas, as life happens, your selection of available vines tends to get reduced down gradually from many to one, and before you know it, your vine breaks and you are in free fall.
In my imagined sky world of vines, after several years of swinging from vine to vine I envision that with each swing you get a little higher each time, and after a while you find yourself quite high above the ground, in the clouds even. At this point if the vine snaps, you do not hit the ground right away. Instead, you are like a skydiver but without a chute. You have time to contemplate your course and to try and steer yourself towards one of the other vines before you hit the dirt.

We are now at Day 24, nearing a full month of unemployment. I am now starting to notice other former colleagues who lost their positions at the same time starting to secure new positions at other companies. I myself during this time have only applied to a small handful of jobs, and have secured a very small number of leads, none of them serious.
It's been a vicious cycle every few days. I browse at positions where my experience would be applicable, I spend a few moments imagining the first weeks/months in that role learning the ropes, and lastly I spend a few more moments imagining myself 6 months to a year in and how I will most definitely feel like quitting, and then be back in the same exact situation I currently find myself. After this, I start to feel the nervous anxiety and weightlessness of free fall in my gut, as I watch the ground getting closer, not knowing which direction I should steer.
Although I'm enjoying this time, sooner or later I will need to chart a new heading. While I do not know exactly which direction, I have come up with 3 guiding principles in the form of questions to myself designed to help me as I try to land:

#1. What could I be doing that would make me fell as though I've really done some good at the end of each day
#2. What could I be doing that would make me truly believe in what I'm devoting each day of my life to.
#3. What could I be doing that would make me feel good about myself

My searching thus far has not has not revealed any new option that is able to satisfy even 1 of the 3 principles above while being able to draw any kind of reasonable paycheque. As I continue my journey slowly drifting towards earth, I will continue the mythical search for prosperity and meaning. I must find Jane.

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I think the thing all of us can do right now is stay positive and have good communication with others. I know personally my network has suffered because I was not putting in the effort to be positive. I had retreated quite a bit. This has been incredibly hard, the pandemic, and social distancing etc. Stress inducing for sure. I hope you find something that makes you happy, that brings you peace and growth.