Dan AE (After Employment) Journal - Day 18: Feel Like A Kid Again
We all have those moments when we're young. Something fully captures our imagination, completely filling one with a sense of pure awe and inspiration. It usually occurs when you witness a profound event in history, such as the moon landing, a major scientific discovery or a new charismatic leader being elected promising hope and change for the better. It also has a tendency to occur when you learn something new, and realize that you have the potential to do something that you were never able to do before. In both of these scenarios, what you witnessed was the redefinition of what you know to be possible from what you previously thought was impossible.
When you were a kid, this would happen all the time, since you had fewer years worth of experiences to shape your definition. Your mind was being constantly blown, the result of which was a fairly consistent sense of awe and excitement as you discovered new frontiers and possibilities each day. As we get older unfortunaly this happens less and less, primarily due to the simple fact that we have many more years of experience under our belts, making it far less likely to come across something truly unique and perspective shattering that we haven't already seen some version of before. This is coupled with the fact that most people have the tendency to reduce exposure as they get older to new situations and environments due to it's discomforting nature, being content with reliving the same routine.
It's already the middle of June, and the anxiety level I predicted a few weeks ago are already starting to kick in. The tinge of self doubt is ramping up, and the temptation to cave and to take the next job in my field that I can get is growing. I'm making good initial progress on the projects I've always wanted to do, but I'm getting anxious. When are they going to make me some money to replace my income? What if they fail and I can't cut it out on my own?
I've realized recently that the main reason I've always been drawn to being employed in some kind of organization was so that I wouldn't have to face the fear of whether or not I am good enough to have my work speak for itself. If you can get in the door, fake it reasonably well while being generally likeable, you can stick around long enough to jump to the next position before things implode. As Dave Foley's Kids in the Hall 'Bad Doctor' character puts it, "I didn't worry because I figured how far can you coast on charm. pretty far actually". This is also a great way to avoid actually having to ever test your metal. It's something I've spend the first 15 years of my career avoiding rather successfully. I'm only an average worker, but I've been a stellar employee.
It's this feeling I want to avoid, to never have to feel again. To feel that same feeling of awe I had back when I was a kid that I've experienced only in fleeting moment as an adult. What better guide could there be when deciding what to do. Therefore, I have to be comfortable with the fact that nobody may ever use my app, buy my product or read this blog for that matter. And that has to be ok. Because I did it for myself, to improve, to realize ideas and thoughts I've had buried in me for years. Now how to actually do it? To turn off the anxiety, the social pressure, the not appreciating financial realities that have the potential to lead to utter ruin? Perhaps I need only look to my past self as a child for inspiration, who would not be distracted with such matters, and focus souly on the pure enjoyment of what he would be doing next. "That stuff is so boooooring. I'm going to go out play now"