But then again, I pay her to fix me, so what the hell does she know?

(Self-confidence is something we're still working on)

(image source)

Hello Steemit, I've stumbled upon this platform and am incredibly intrigued by it. I am unsure where to start, so I might as well ambiguously introduce myself with a hopefully relatable tale of self improvement. I'll try to keep it short. 

Last year was a big year for me. I turned 30, ran my second marathon, got engaged, and fell into a dark pit of self-loathing, aimlessness, and general ennui. I couldn't put my finger on what was making me so unhappy, other than the fact I could no longer avoid adulthood, my career was starting to feel unfulfilling, and life was quickly heading down a one way track full of commitment and daily doldrums. Ok, I guess I could put my finger on it. On the surface though, everything was just super. I should have been happy.

(My therapist also tells me I need to stop saying the word "should" all the time).

Having struggled with depression before, I knew that these thoughts could be the start of old patterns returning, so I decided to see a therapist and stop it before it got worse. It's been just over a year now, and that year was rocky to say the least. Full of highs and lows (though mostly lows), I swung wildly between trying to improve my situation through meditation and reflection, and attempting to simply shut my problems out with alcohol and drugs. Anything to quiet the mind. 

One of the more positive things I did was start a blog. Like most of my wellness initiatives, it didn't last long. The good habits are always the hard to keep ones. I described it as "an advice column to myself." I wrote bullshit self-help posts full of uplifting conclusions that I so desperately wanted to believe but so innately didn't. I've never seen the glass as half full, but I wrote these posts from the perspective of someone who did. I got through five, and then got bored.

And so the cycle repeated. I tried to do some self improvement, I got bored, I got inebriated, I felt like shit, I tried to do some self improvement, and on and on.

Then I started anti-depressants. Now life is great! Ok, not really. All my problems are still there, they just don't feel as heavy. I can put things in perspective a little more. I still struggle with my self-hatred, fear, doubt, anxiety, guilt, etc, but I can get through the day without obsessing over it. That's a win. 

So here I am, writing a blog again. I'm not going to theme it as self help. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with it. Steemit seems like a good community though, so I think I'll just write whatever the hell comes to my mind and try to be at least a little entertaining. At the very least, maybe I'll find some cool people to interact and connect with.

I'm going to stay anonymous though. After all I did just admit to doing drugs, and who wants that to show up when your name gets Googled.

Oh, and I already lied by the way. I didn't quit my first blog because I was bored. That's only half the reason. The other half, the bigger half, was because I thought it sucked. I was embarrassed by it, and whenever I looked at it, nothing but critical thoughts flooded my mind. Along with anti-depressants though, one thing that's been helping is reminding myself that I need to be kinder to myself. Right now, being kinder to myself means putting my thoughts out there and not giving a fuck what people think about it - including myself.

So much for keeping it short.