Taking My Life by Storm - Come With Me?

Hello, world. My name is Katie. And I like to share a little bit of myself with you.

I've always been someone to make grand plans, living off the escapism that came with fanciful daydreams rather than concrete, tangible goals. Often, these dreams crushed me beneath their weight, as I ached for them so badly to come true and could never find it in me to settle for anything less. This left me paralyzed, and from the age of 18, I have done absolutely nothing with my life.

I didn't go to college despite a small scholarship I'd received from a two-year school. Two years later, I backed out of cosmetology school at the last minute, after all the painstaking paperwork was finally filed and done with. It took me almost three years to begin applying for any sort of job, and those I did finally apply for I didn't get. I never learned to drive, which, when you're from a small town in Texas, is considered just plain insanity. The worst part, though, was having lived off a boyfriend for almost four years, rendered bedridden due to a depression neither of us knew how to deal with. And then to deal with those rare manic days in which I seemed to finally be okay, more than okay – only to come crashing down soon after, unable to shake the weighted hole from my chest. . . how much I put him through before having the strength to leave for both our sakes. Though I can't claim to be so purely noble; I did, after all, leave him for someone else. But it must have been the best thing regardless, given we've both been so much better in the almost-two years since.

Now, a week and two days after my 23rd birthday, I am finally beginning to live my life. Sunday, I apply for the job that's been somewhat-reserved for me for months. Soon after, we begin a van conversion, a small home on wheels like so many have done (it took us a long time so save up for a vehicle at all, so although looks small, we know it'll be more than enough for us for now). These are not grand plans, but I've never been more excited, or more hopeful, than I am today. Not since those first few weeks after my high school graduation half a decade ago.

I don't know what comes next for me. I have ideas and hopes and dreams, but while I'm not afraid of the cold reality that often shakes awake idealism, I'm now able to simply put one foot in front of the other without worrying too much about what's around the next corner.

I'd like to blog about my life here, because although it won't be incredibly exciting to read, for me, it's everything. I'd like to show others that while tomorrow may not be guaranteed we should still plan for it all the same, hope for it to come, and hope that it will be better than today may have been, at least in some small way. I have learned the hard way that despite wishing for a more compassionate, empathetic world, no one is going to hand my life to me, that it won't simply fall into my lap one day. I don't believe in “earning” one's life, as if to say we didn't “deserve” the things which make us happy to begin with, but I can believe in choosing to make one's life better in whatever ways are within our control. And I believe we may have more control than we think.

I've begun to take control of mine. And I'd love for you all to come with me as I grow and change and wonder at the world around me.

I have mainly one goal in doing all of this: To stop being so afraid of making mistakes. I'm incredibly young, and I've spent the first five years of my adulthood hidden away from everything, terrified of looking stupid or ignorant in any way. You can imagine how limited my life has been, how confined I've become. I've yet to make many mistakes, and so there's much I've yet to learn. Blogging, I think, will be a good way to hold myself accountable, for it's my decisions made public. I may not get that job for some reason, or be unable to convert our van for another. Right now I can't imagine what I'd do if those things happen, but I have to start taking responsibility for my decisions – and lack of decisions too. I can't hide anymore.

So. Let my mistakes be known! Let me learn and grow and change and change again! Let the fallouts come, and let everyone watch as I try to pick up the pieces and start again!

Thank you for reading. I hope you come along.