My Story #1 - The Love of My Life

this is part 2 of my thread on the love of my life

Why are things so hard though? Like, what makes a person just decide to make another person's life so difficult? Are you that type of a person? Do you like to give people a hard time?

I mean, it's only a conversation, right? It's only me walking up to her and saying "Hi Rori, I want I want to put my lips on yours!" or something like that for an introduction.

It's been a little over 8 days now of seeing her and I just can't seem to find the strength in me to walk up to her and start a conversation. When I think of saying anything to her I imagine:

• What if I'm not funny, she seems to love laughing so what if I say something to offend her?
• What if I'm funny but can't keep up the appearance? What will she think of me? Will I have blown my chance?
• What if I tell her I like her and she doesn't like me back?
  Is this what the world calls fear?

Thabiso already knows that I have my sights set on Rori and that she is fast becoming the school idol, guys in Grade 12 are asking her out and I can't even walk up to her and say hi. I decide that I would rather bury my thoughts deep down in a hole than to be rejected.
That hit me for a moment as I saw what I just put down: "I would rather bury my thoughts deep down in a hole than to be rejected" and this is the moment I realized I fear rejection. A feeling deep within me tells me that I have a chance of being in extreme agony if I put my heart on the line and approach this girl. She has the attention of every guy in the school and what more is one more to her list of admires?

I didn't know this then, but this was the day I buried my self-confidence together with my fear of rejection. I had placed myself so low on the totem pole that I felt that it would be pointless to even try for the fear of being rejected. She would never want me anyway.

All of a sudden I came to from my day dream. Looking straight into her eyes as she does this thing of raising her left eyebrow to snap me back. Boom, did you feel that explosion? My heart just exploded because she's looking straight at me! What do I do? What do I do?
"Quick, smile!", I say to myself and
phew she smiled back!
The world was right again... Maybe I could do this, maybe I have a chance. Maybe not, maybe she was just being friendly. Why am I second guessing myself so much? Is this what they call being a pubescent? It's awfully confusing!

Okay, so here I am back in class. The teacher's so boring I can't stop thinking about the mistake I just made. Is this the day that I die of embarrassment?
She might tell everyone what happened, I can already see it in my head: "chomi (friend), this guy who sits behind me was starring at me, what a creep, I tried to be nice but he gave this weird grin and I tried not to scream then and there! I think I will avoid him from now on" - 1 000 of those scenario's were going through my head. I couldn't hear a word the lecturer was saying.

When the class finally finished, I couldn't wait to get out of that class. All my books were already packed and at the sound of the bell for the next class I was out the door in a heart beat and never looked back, don't want to be turning into salt now.
The next class didn't have Rori in it, since we go according to our chosen subjects, so I won't be in the direct firing lines when she decides to label me as a creep.

Finally, it's first break and we're all going to our hangout spot. Since I know how quickly gossip spreads around I knew I had two hours to plan my defense for being a creep to my friends I was expecting them to ask me questions on why I creeped Rori out. This was it for my high school life, I had to change schools because of this fall out.
Nothing like that actually happened. All my defense strategies and ways to justify myself were for naught. How could this be? Did she decide to keep it to herself? Did she forgive me? Is this my lucky day? I don't know, I guess life gave me a pass this time around.

When Thabiso arrived we started talking about what happened, I told him what I did like I was in a Catholic Confession and he laughed so hard at me that I was so scared. After laughing at me for a little bit he finally calmed down and said "welldone, you made your first move" and I was surprised. How come? I asked.

"See, when you like a girl you want to let her know that you notice her. I want to let her know that she has your attention because women love attention!" he said.

Of-course I brushed off what he is telling me because he doesn't even have a girlfriend, he's scared of talking to girls just like me and here he is confident in his delivery that I have to do this in order to get her to notice me back. I didn't pay it any mind at all. What does he know?

part 3 coming next