An unrealistic recovery, part II: The monster in the sky

Fred was ridiculously charismatic; I'm almost positive that had it been anyone else asking me to stay over and get sober, I wouldn't have. He had that gift of gab though, and as much as I hated to admit it, he was so confident that it made me feel safe.

He liked to consider himself a maverick; he didn't frequent AA meetings anymore, he was okay with alcohol in his house, and he hung out with all sorts of people, including junkies. His methods deviated quite severely from the common perception of what step work was. This was least prominent in Step 3; his version of said step was "God actually doesn't want you to do step 3, so no worries."

One of his stranger habits was his obsession with "orbitally rearranged monoatomic elements", or ORME. This went hand-in-hand with his paranormal, almost cult-like beliefs; he was heavily into the law of attraction, Neil Donald Walsh, this random lady claiming to be a reincarnated mermaid from Atlantis. As my friend Bentley put it, the more bizarre the belief, the more he was drawn to it.

He incorporated this stuff into his step work as well, and I initially offered plenty of resistance. Charismatic as he was, I was drawn enough to him to keep him as my sponsor, but the idea of my thoughts physically creating my reality due to these vague vibrations was just too much to swallow. But like I said, I kept him as my sponsor.

Eventually I cracked. I was sad about one thing or another and Fred once again preached his dogma too me. Desperate as I was, I decided to try it. Before I continue, I’d like to list some of the tenants of his philosophy:

1. All of matter and therefore reality is completely dependent upon vibrations.
2. These vibrations come from thought, so therefore your thoughts directly dictate what objective reality is.
3. Thinking about something is the same as physical action.
4. Thinking about something is wanting it.
5. As a consequence of all of this, there is no action present in your life that you did not consciously create.

There were many, many more, most of them strikingly bizarre, but these are perhaps the chief offenders. Some of these tenants probably mirror other well established belief systems; taken together, however, they formed a toxic atmosphere that completely embraced victim blaming and a complete lack of empathy. Years later, Fred would use these beliefs to justify his remorseless theft and drug use. He wasn’t very different at the time either.

He stole from me, he mocked me, he brazenly lied to me and broke promises, often which left me in very precarious situations. He did this to everyone, but his spouse and I were the only ones who were caught in his ideological justification.

I can’t speak for his spouse, but I know that the reason I stayed under his wing for so long was because despite all of his obvious dysfunction, I was experiencing something I mistook for happiness. I was elated, near drunk, with the endless possibilities I saw, with the excitement of such a unique life view. My life seemed so interesting, and I finally, finally had people around me who accepted me.

This is actually a common experience among addicts in recovery. It’s called a pink cloud, and it’s a result of suddenly finding yourself among a group who accept you and actually seem similar to you. The cloud is typically followed by a crash; I say typically because Fred seemed to be the exception. He lived on that cloud.

Imagine falling from this. Its scary.

A few things caused my crash. The first was just the general wear-and-tear of life; little things like my ride to work bailing and having to walk 4 miles made me critically evaluate the idea that I really wanted and created all of this. The second was the pending incarceration of my mother; I shed more tears over this than anything, I wanted our relationship to be fixed, for her to be okay, and instead she was being sent far away, for God knows how long.

The third is actually a bit embarrassing, and will kick off part III. Thanks for reading so far, I hope to have that out tonight~