Who would have thought I'd actually post this! RAW. REAL. LIFE.

I am taking my gloves off just before writing this, hoping that I will have the strength and motivation to push through. Why do I wear gloves? Not because it’s winter time and it’s cold out, but because I have been living with the terrible, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder for most of my life. I am left with no choice but to protect myself from myself with gloves.

As a little girl, I was left scarred by my childhood. A childhood filled with the death of loved ones, parental drug abuse, and abandonment. The trauma that I faced left me with the disorder, one that haunts me day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. OCD interrupts my social life, my work life, and relationships. This is because on the wide spectrum of different types of OCD, I have been diagnosed with multiple kinds. I suffer from Intrusive Thoughts, Dermatillomania, and Dermatophagia.

Intrusive thoughts:
These can range from all different types. However, mine our mainly religious. I am a victim of repetitive rituals. At times, I find myself repeating “I love God” in my head multiple times throughout the day. My OCD gives me the feeling that if I don’t recite this phrase in my head, then I must not really love God. I have different variations of this, but I have been dealing with this ever since early trauma took place in my life. Other intrusive thoughts that I have are obsessively worrying if I will let others down, or hurt them in some way. One common thing I worry about is if I will one day accidentally hit someone with my car, or cause a bad wreck on the road. These are only a few thoughts that flood my mind constantly throughout a typical day.

Dermatillomania:
Dermatillomania is another form of OCD that I suffer from. It involves the compulsive obsession to pick at one’s own skin. I have been dealing with this since my late teens on and off, and now currently in my early twenties. This form of OCD is very time consuming, and takes up most of my time. My specific area that I pick at is inside my ears. I have caused multiple ear infections, and even burst an eardrum once. I don’t just stop at using my own fingers to pick; I have used utensils as well. Tweezers are typically what I use. I will stand in front of the bathroom mirror for hours, obsessively picking at the skin in my ear, until I am bleeding. I will sometimes go numb from the pain. Even though it hurts, I won’t stop until the previous scab that I had is completely gone. Then, I will wait until the wounded area has scabbed over once more, and start at it again. This disorder interupted school work, while I was in high school and college. It gained attention by classmates, as the picking had caused infections, making it noticable. People would ask me what happened to my ears. I would wear big gaudy earrings to cover it up, hoping people would not see the problem. During my Senior year of high school, my ears had to be edited in my Senior photos. Eventually, I was able to overcome this particular disorder, but it is now currently returning. Most of the OCD I have comes in waves. Stress tends to open the door.

Dermatophagia:
Dermatophagia is the main type of OCD that I suffer from. This is the compulsion to chew at one’s own skin. In my case, I have been chewing at my fingers obsessively for 13 years now. Over the years, it has gotten increasingly better than before. There have been times where it was so bad, I had to cover my fingers with bandages. It is probably the most embarrassing thing that I do, but I am fortunate to have gotten it mostly under control. I have also been lucky enough not to have any damage to my teeth from chewing. I do however, though, have some scarring on my fingers due to the amount of time that has passed chewing. But over time, the scars have faded. Half a year ago, I was able to quit for four months. I went to get a manicure, which was a big step for me, because I still had the scars, visible for the manicurist to see. But the appointment went well. I have since relapsed, but the amount of chewing I do has significantly been reduced. I hope to one day quit all together. For me, what triggers this compulsion is stress. Unfortunately, I have had a great deal of stress and trauma in my life, not helping to better this disorder.

In the past, other OCD related actions included making my bed with no wrinkles in it, sometimes spending up to two hours of obsessing. This would often end in crying and frustration. I also used to not be able to have anything in my bedroom touch. For example, a candle and a picture frame had to be so many inches apart or else. Even though I knew they were apart, my mind would tell me otherwise. I would sit there for hours trying to convince myself that I had indeed moved the two objects away from each other. One thing I am thankful for though, is not having the contamination type of OCD. I have never had a problem with cleanliness, or an obsession with germs.

I am telling you all of this in hopes to shed a bit of light on the subject of OCD. There is a giant mental stigma on OCD. Many people do not realize how many forms of the disorder there really are. Most only associate OCD with cleanliness and perfection, but there are far darker types. I am hoping my story will let others who have similar problems know that they are not alone.

I am at heart, someone who likes to create. I am very passionate about art and writing, and I have used these activities to help me overcome OCD. I am here to say: Do not let a mental illness, whatever that may be, stop you from your goals and your dreams in life. At just nineteen years old, despite what I was going through, I was able to open my own thrift store. I am very much a part of the thrifting community. That is possibly the one thing that I do that brings me pure joy. If you have one thing in life that you enjoy, never lose sight of it, because it could very well be the thing that saves you. I decided to open my own business. Things did not go as planned, but in just one year as a business owner, I learned so much. Although I am currently in transition with the physical store, I plan on opening again someday. Yes, it was challenging at times, managing my own health and also a storefront, but I loved every minute of it. Never let a mental illness get in the way of your happiness!
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Much love,

@millennialpoet