Did you really say THAT?

Would you take offence if a friend advised you to “nip that tendency in the BUTT?” or would you roar with laughter knowing full well that she meant “nip that tendency in the BUD”.

My dear friend Pam has a tendency to advise people to ‘nip things in the butt'.

When our friendship was in the ‘budding’ stages I had the idiotic idea that I should quietly tell her that she didn’t actually mean that I should take a bite out of somebody’s delectable buttock, but nip a ‘situation’ in the bud.
Before I could finish my sentence she impaled me on the point of her steely eye and silenced me forevermore with, “THAT’S what I said…… bud.”

She taught me several things that day:

    Don’t be a condescending ‘know it all’
Friendship is valuable. Consider carefully any advice you choose to give.
Keep a straight face and master the art of laughing on the inside.

She has said to me just in this past week, “patience is a virgin” And “the fires in the Cape were so bad that they had to evaporate the area.”
For those of you floundering a bit she should have said ‘virtue’ and ‘evacuate’. Oh dear, some of you, like Pam, dislike me already and we haven’t even met!

I hooted with well concealed delight with my vivid imagination going wild.

Over the soup I had prepared for lunch she asked for some more of the crunchy neutrons I had fried…..of course you all know she meant croutons but I will take that bit of information with me to the grave.
Why, in any case do we use some fancy French word when ‘fried bits of stale bread’ would explain it?

I hanker after colourful language.

We were talking about PET PEEVES the other day and this subject of MALAPROPISMS (that’s the proper word for this phenomenon……..sorry, just in case you were wondering) came up.
“It doesn’t peeve me, I positively hate this inaccurate use of language,” declared outspoken and I’m sure friendless Amy.
Someone very witty in the group mentioned three examples of Malapropisms and for fun we took a vote as to whether we found these ‘slips of the tongue’ funny, rude or embarrassing?

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“ The will was read, the last will and testicle(testament) of the late John Brown.”
“ The crowd was entertained by a menstrual (minstrel) show at the fairground.”
“ In Iraq the penis (penal) code is very strict.”

Apart from Amy who deepened the frown lines between her eyebrows, we all smiled even laughed out loud and some choked on their wine, requiring slaps on the back and sips of water.

For those of you reading this please allow me to inform you (without disliking me even further) that Mrs Malaprop was a character in a 1700’s play by Sheridan who he introduced to amuse the audience by confusing her words. She often used a word that sounded similar to the one she should have used.

For instance she said;
“I have done everything to explode (expose) the affair.
“I want to forget this fellow, illiterate (obliterate) him from my memory.” The word she chooses to use by mistake further underlines the fact that she is virtually illiterate…… for some of us this makes it even funnier.

I have a feeling that many people lost the friendship of Mrs Malaprop trying to help her improve her literacy!

The effect of using Malapropisms is dicated by one’s audience…..
Imagine the SHOCK AND HORROR in the ladies bible study on Tuesdays at 2 if the bishop announced, “having one wife is called monotony,” even if they knew he should have used the word ‘monogamy’. Amy would have been puce with anger!

That same sentence spoken by a tipsy man at a recently divorced man’s ‘coming out party,’ would cause raucous laughter and much back slapping.

In conclusion I would like to say goodbye (to show off my recent progress in the French language) to you all by wishing you,

“Au reservoir!” (No one, but no one point out that it should be ‘revoir’)

And to claim my connection and fondness for the Jewish people,

“Molotov!” (Likewise be well mannered enough NOT to mention while
that would indeed be a fiery farewell what I should say
is………..’Mazel Tov.’

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